(Cuts in…) Can you believe it? Dekhte hi dekhte, ek saal ho gaya. In a matter of 10 months, I lost both my buddies, my brothers Rishi and Rajiv. It’s been the most painful year for my family and me. It’s been an extremely sad year for Raj Kapoor’s clan. I loved my brothers dearly. Rajiv and Rishi left us one after the other, and life has not been the same without them ever since. We’re a close-knit family and we spent most of our time with each other when we were not at work. We loved being around one another and our camaraderie was something else. We’d meet for drinks, meals and sometimes, just to talk to each other and relive old memories. Life is dotted with happy and sad moments, but the last 10 months have been a terrible jolt. Life can never be the same without Rishi and Rajiv. I loved them dearly, and I will always miss both of them.

I am not feeling healed. Time is not healing me in any manner. Just when we were slowly coming to terms with Rishi’s passing away, my youngest sibling Rajiv left us. I feel lonely without them. They were not just my brothers, they were my confidants and my closest friends. We grew up together; our parents brought us up in such a way that we grew up to become each other’s pals, secret-keepers and what-have-you. We were each other’s strength and shoulders to lean on. I don’t have them here anymore.

Yes, time will heal us but I definitely feel a vacuum. In Rishi’s case, Neetu, Ranbir and Riddhima have felt a greater sense of loss. Rishi’s absence must be hurting them so much more, every single day. I am slowly coming to terms with his absence, too, but it will take a long time for it to settle in.

We had such great times together. That void of the brother-buddy can never be filled up. For the world, he was a great actor, who left behind scores of wonderful movies to enjoy and love. For us, he’s left loads of happy memories of the times we’ve laughed, hung out, eaten and chatted with abandon. Of course, I can go back and I do go back and watch all his films and that’s how I end up seeing him virtually, every day.

The connection we shared ran really deep. Rishi was a great friend to have - reliable and honest. My sister Rima and I feel his absence all the time. We’re left alone now — out of five siblings, it’s just she and I now. In the last three years, we lost our mom, our R K Studios and millions of invaluable memorabilia, our brothers, our sister and Shashi uncle. It’s all happened too soon. Today, when I watch Pyaar hua ikraar hua from Shree 420, I see my siblings in it and it pains me that memories of that movie have been lost forever. What you see in that song is what we’ve lived by — my siblings and I grew up to respect our elders and be extremely protective of one another.

For us, Christmas was always at Shashi uncle’s house, Holi was at Chembur and Diwali would be at one of our homes. All that is somewhat dwindling now. It doesn’t feel the same anymore, especially without my brothers. There’s hardly anyone there now from that generation of people in the family to which my brothers and I belonged. In this one year, my kids have supported me a lot, ensuring that I don’t feel lonely, but nothing can fill the void that my brothers have left behind. I miss that sibling bonding.

I saw them going in front of my eyes and it pains me to think of those days and times when I had to bid farewell to them. Emotional jolt! Time will heal me, I am sure. But, I can never get Rishi or Rajiv out of my mind. I am hoping that I will come to terms with their absence. The show will go on.

I almost feel like calling them up and telling them what I feel, and then I realise, it’s not going to happen. There’s not one day when Rishi and I didn’t speak to each other in all these years. There’s been a silence for the last one year. It’s beyond words to explain how much it hurts to not be able to speak to Rishi and share my thoughts with him. The lunch and dinner times, our drinking windows in the day, the time when we would hang out together...there’s not one moment in the day when I don’t miss Rishi and Rajiv. Rishi was so happy about his second innings in cinema with all those lovely roles. He was very pleased with the work that he was getting, all these different characters. He would say ‘Dabs, I can’t imagine myself in some of these roles but yeh directors aur writers toh kamaal kar rahe hain.’ He had loved a whole lot of scripts that came to him even as he came close to his last days. Who knew this would be it? He just could not be there to relish his success in the second innings, which he worked so hard for.

I will be thinking of Rishi, like every other day, and it’s not a conscious thing. It happens on its own. We were emotionally close to each other. Life will go on, it moves us on. My father (Raj Kapoor) believed that the show must go on and it will. He’s left plenty of great films behind, unko dekh kar yaad karunga apne bhai ko. My brother was such a charming man, a good husband and a loving father. His children made him so happy. C’est la vie... I hope Chintu is happy where he is now.