Madhureeta Mukherjee (BOMBAY TIMES; February 4, 2019)

She stares in the mirror. Strong in the face of a disease that erodes strength by its very mention. A malignancy that grows faster in the fears of the afflicted (and their loved ones), than in the human cells. Every instinct in the body prepares to fight back. Every muscle that matters joins in the battle and every prayer counts. Tears are spilled and the spirit is shaken, but a fighter faces the blow and fights back. Long and strong, if need be. Sonali Bendre Behl is one such fighter. She beat the cancer beast with all the courage and grace she had. Yes, the Big C has had its collateral damage and she’s scarred, however, she has emerged even more beautiful. She’s a survivor, who has bravely shared her story with the world, sometimes with a teardrop, at times with a laugh. But always giving a dose of strength to others to keep the fight going. Today, on World Cancer Day, the actress and author tells us about her ordeal, the lows, learnings and the revelations. Yes, she tears up at times, but that spirit of hers, you can’t tear it down. Shine the spotlight on Sonali, folks, and read on...

It’s great to have you back in Mumbai, Sonali, and see that you are on the road to recovery (last year, she was diagnosed with high-grade metastatic cancer, following which she went to New York for treatment). It must be so much more comforting being in home territory, right? Like your social media posts said #OneDayAtATime, are you following that mantra?
There was a time when we thought that we should stay on in New York for a few more months, but then, at the earliest opportunity that I got, I ran back. Home is home, after all. It is here where my family is. Eventually, your mental health is as important as what is going on with you physically. I needed to be back, I was away for nearly six months. Two months, have gone by since I am back, and I’ve barely stepped out. Yet, I am not bored of being at home. So, rather than saying how does it feel being back home, let’s say… how does it feel being back. I can’t believe that I am back! Of course, once you are on home ground, you tend to go back into the old pattern. I have to remind myself to take one day at time, and go slow. I’m a very hands-on kind of person, so I’ve to tell myself that there is no need to panic if I can’t do certain things today; I will do them next week. I have to remind myself that my body will take some time to start doing normal things again, though I don’t know when that will happen at this point.

I loved one of your online posts from New York where you said that you are “Walking among so many stories. Each trying to write their own chapter in different ways.” Tell us about some of the stories and people who touched your life...
I was always surrounded by family and friends. They were staggering their visits, so that I always had someone around. And then you realise, there are people in the same hospital room who are absolutely alone. There was this 80-year-old lady, who said, ‘I know this has happened and I don’t see any reason why anyone else should be stopping their lives for it. I can come here, take my treatment and go home’. On one hand, I am grateful I have people around me, at the same time, I look around and see the kind of strength people have. It is about moving on and accepting life. There was another lady I met at the café, near the hospital, she came up to me and said that she was diagnosed with breast cancer just a while ago, and she thought that her world had come to an end. She said, ‘I was moping and then my husband showed me your posts. It made me feel that if you could do this, I can too. I will fight it and live a normal life.’ There are so many such stories that I will not ever forget.

So, even while you were battling cancer in a different country, in those moments of uncertainty and pain, you found a new perspective towards life. Would you say that? Has this whole experience opened you up as a person?
It’s difficult, the patterns still come back and the instinct is to hold back, as I am a private person. Every time I put out a post, I doubt if I should do it, as I know that I am sharing a part of my life. In a city like NY, you meet people from all over the world. And the one thing I realised was that there is so much love and humanity around us. Most importantly, I got so much of love from people who don’t know me at all. I had lost all my hair, so people obviously knew that I was going through some treatment, and the kind of sensitivity they showed me was so touching. It could be anyone at the cash counter, grocery store or salon; they figured that I was going through something in life, so just that one smile or one sweet gesture made a difference. And here, I have been thinking all along…what world is my child going to live in? You hear such stories like there is no love in the world, there is so much hatred around. People have become cynical and they are only fighting with each other. While I was going through all this, Goldie (Behl, husband) and I sat down and thought…what are we so bloody scared about? The world is not as bad as it seems. I think that instinctively, the first thing human beings feel is love and the need to help each other. To do the rest of the things like hating and judging people, we have to really go out of our character. Yes, these stories gave me a different perspective towards life, and I know that there is so much to learn from it and so much to give back.

Goldie and I both agree that when we were teenagers, we were fearless. We thought that the whole world is in front of us and we have nothing to worry about. As you grow older, especially when you become parents, you become fearful. I think for us, we are back to our teenage years. We are back to being fearless again. Every time I feel scared, I tell myself that I have to be fearless, because all the stories that we are talking about, none of those were scripted. It really happened. So if there is so much of love and niceness in the world, you have to believe that sab achcha hi hoga.

A lot of cancer survivors are often not open to talking about their personal trials and trauma. A few years ago, when you had written the book, The Modern Gurukul: My Experiments With Parenting, you had said that being a private person, it was hard to share experiences of your life. And here you were, opening your heart out and bravely sharing stories of probably the most painful phase of your life. Was it comforting in a way?
After I started putting the posts out, I realised that cancer is so rampant, and people from every strata of society starting writing to me about their battle with the disease. I have heard people breaking down while telling me that they went through it without their mother or the rest of the family knowing about it. There are so many people who hide it and have no outlet. For me, because I had let it out, I got so much of love and support. I can’t imagine myself sitting alone in NY and going through this horror without anyone knowing about it. I would have been a nervous wreck. People have gone through years of that and hats off to them. The more I reached out and shared my stories with people; I realised that I was not alone. Keeping it all inside you and not sharing it with anyone, is worse than what the disease can do to you. Think of what you are doing to your mind? You are attacking your mental health by shutting yourself down and eventually, your mental health is what is going to see you through this. Just to know you are not alone and that you are loved can see you through this ordeal. I have had numerous people who have said that my posts have inspired them so much. There are still so many people who are writing to me. I have had people stop me on the road in NY, and say, ‘I can’t hug you, but after reading your posts, I am looking at my life in a different way.’ We were standing there in the middle of the street, and of course, I was emotionally fragile, I was crying and she was crying, while Goldie was standing patiently and looking at us.

In the past, you have said that you have a good and dark sense of humour. Did that come handy while tiding over this?
I think humour is the best way to deal with it. I laughed through it, I laughed with it. And I continue to laugh at it. There is no other way to deal with it. When you are going through all this, people treat you with kid gloves and it’s quite hilarious at times. There are some things that you say so casually, but in this situation it sounds strange. Like I told someone…Look at this view, it is to die for. And then I paused and said…yes, well, it’s great, but I don’t mean it. I think I will change my vocabulary. I remember that post-surgery, I would sometimes walk around the hospital with my chemotherapy IV in my hand, because I was bored of lying down. My friends have some funny videos of me doing all that stuff. My hair had gone and I was constantly rubbing my head. I have one of those videos, where my friend is telling me that I am constantly rubbing my head, and I turn around and tell her that I am actually dancing to Tattad Tattad. They fell down laughing. Even while the chemo was going on, we would look at videos, crack jokes and laugh. I told myself, I am spending so much of money here, so I will treat it like a holiday in NY, with a little bit of chemos thrown in. That was my way of dealing with it.

In your online posts, you have said that you want to learn that there can be a ‘new normal’. Are you finding your way through it?
It’s not easy to find a new normal, it is damn tough. You keep falling back, but I know that I will get there.

Do you plan to go back to work sometime soon?
I am definitely getting back to work; I want to work every day of my life now. I don’t know what I will do, so I am leaving that open. I have realised in the last six months that if your brain is working at a fast pace and your body can’t keep up with it, then it can get really frustrating. You know what, we are all going to get to an age where our body won’t keep up with our brain, right now it’s all good and so, I will make the most of it. After I had my son (Ranveer), I said that I want to spend time with him while he was growing up. I did it, and touch wood, he is a good boy. Now, he doesn’t need a mother who is around him all the time. He needs the independence to grow into the person he is. For that to happen, I need to occupy myself, and hence, going to work is the best option for all of us (smiles). These six months have shown me that he can deal with things, and if that is the case, I have to give him that space. I need to be doing my own thing.

With so many new stories in your head, do you feel like writing another book, maybe?
I don’t want to write a book right now, because writing a book can be a very lonely process. Maybe, I will get over it, but at this point of time, being alone is a bit scary and I definitely don’t want to sit alone with my thoughts. I need to see people around me; I need to see life around me. I want to meet and spend time with young people. You know what I mean, I want to be around people who feel alive and have that kind of energy. I don’t want it to be quiet and alone. I have had that. The last six months, while people were around me all the time, I was in a different country, different place and that can get very lonely. I always thought that I was a loner, but that myth has been busted. As far as writing is concerned, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to collaborate and do some different kind of writing. Books are not the only way to tell a story, there are so many mediums now.