Titas Chowdhury (HINDUSTAN TIMES; May 5, 2020)

“In the last two years with a life threatening disease (cancer), one thing I’ve realised is that nothing goes as planned. I’ve learnt not to take anything for granted, and be grateful. This has helped me in dealing with the Coronavirus pandemic also,” says Sonali Bendre Behl, who believes that the best way to battle panic is to look for a silver lining.

She shares, “Just understanding that it could have been so much worse makes you go through the day a little better. The biggest lesson of all is to take it one day at a time. Every time you feel low, just switch on the sunshine.”

Behl, 45, asserts that the pandemic has led to an increase in mental illness and domestic violence cases. “This lockdown is unprecedented, and is going to cause a lot of issues. Mental health is a huge topic. Domestic violence is also a part of it. But when I feel low, the thing that pulls me out, and which pulled me out during my treatment also, is to watch and read joyful and hopeful things,” she says.

The actor, who started her book club a while ago, hopes that it will help her battle the health crisis. “I started my book club when I joined social media, and I realised that it was an amazing medium that could be used in a positive way. The book for last month was Exhalation by Ted Chiang. During the pandemic, the idea was to choose a book which was uplifting,” she explains.

She’s also keeping herself busy with an NGO which works with underprivileged children suffering from cancer. “In this pandemic, they are looking for a lot of help as there are children going through cancer and healthcare workers cannot take leaves. Doing something for children gives me hope and the feeling that I’m doing something for the future,” Behl signs off.

Sonali Bendre, who is planning to make a comeback in films, talks about the kind of roles she is looking out for and how cancer has made her ‘grateful’
Riya Baibhawi (BOMBAY TIMES; October 9, 2019)

After surviving cancer, Sonali Bendre says more than the stock phrases like “battling cancer”, she rephrased her experience from the disease as “learning from cancer”. In Chandigarh for an event, Sonali beamed, smiled and remained a picture of poised calm amidst what has now become a familiar thing for her — repeated questions on having beaten cancer. Excerpts...

You battled cancer and are an inspiration to many. While it must have been a trying time for you, what was it like for your family?
I think it is more difficult for the family of the cancer patient. On one of my Instagram posts, somebody has used the term “scanzxiety” referring to the anxiety family feels before an illness is diagnosed through a scan. I think it is a good word.

And how did you deal with it personally?
For most people, cancer is a battle. But for me, it was a new learning experience. I’ve learnt a lot from cancer. My perspective towards life has altered post my recovery.

Such episodes also bring with them realisation of what one really values in life…
Yes, and for me, that realisation was that my family is my prized possession. During my illness, it was my son who was my constant motivation to get out of the disease. After cancer, I have become grateful. I started looking at things differently. I wasn’t aware of it back then. But now, I am aware of what I’m doing and focused on saving time.

Are you planning a comeback in Bollywood?
Yes, definitely. Whatever comes my way, and if I like it, I will do it.

Has the illness also altered your choice of scripts?
Of course, it has. My decisions have changed because what is important to me now is to find joy in my work. I don’t want to do anything just because it pays well. I should like the people I am working with, should enjoy the role I am playing. Post the illness, there are a lot of factors which dictate my choice of work.

You’ve judged reality shows, done daily soaps. Are you planning to do more of them in the future?
I really want India's Best Dramebaaz to start again. I think we all do! About daily soaps, I would love to do one but I wish to do something with less rona dhona. I’ve already done enough of that in real life, and cried a lot. I want to try something different now.

Sonali Bendre on losing a prized possession that had even landed her debut film, Aag, back in 1994
Natasha Coutinho (MUMBAI MIRROR; April 4, 2019)

After visits in New York and family brunches, Sonali Bendre reunited with her best friends, Sussanne Khan and Gayatri Oberoi, for a TV show and got teary-eyed while recalling her recent stay in New York.

In July last year, the actress had quit the reality show India’s Best Draamebaaz, on which she served as one of the judges, to start treatment for a metastatic cancer at the renowned research facility Sloan Kettering in the Big Apple. The chemotherapy sessions that followed resulted in dramatic hair loss and while the actress embraced the change, even talking candidly about it on social media, it was a difficult topic to discuss on the Colors Infinity show.

During the conversation, Sonali reminisced about her early days in showbiz, adding that her thick mane was much talked about then. So much so, they even landed her K Ravi Shankar’s Aag in 1994, her acting debut. “Now that I think of it, earlier, my whole life had been all about my hair, even though it sounds superficial. I’ve endorsed every hair product at some point in my life,” she said, adding that it used to be a big part of her personality.

On how she dealt with it, the 44-year-old actress said, “My sisters and friends were with me for support. I was sure I didn’t want it to be clumpy and feel horrible about it. I wanted to enjoy getting rid of it as much as I had loved wearing it. My friends and our kids were all with me when I got the first haircut. I kept it short and it did look nice,” Sonali said.

When it was time to go bald, Gayatri suggested that she keep the hair, so they could make a wig out of it. “I said no. Let’s just give it away, it’s not meant to be, just let it go,” Sonali concluded.

Madhureeta Mukherjee (BOMBAY TIMES; February 4, 2019)

She stares in the mirror. Strong in the face of a disease that erodes strength by its very mention. A malignancy that grows faster in the fears of the afflicted (and their loved ones), than in the human cells. Every instinct in the body prepares to fight back. Every muscle that matters joins in the battle and every prayer counts. Tears are spilled and the spirit is shaken, but a fighter faces the blow and fights back. Long and strong, if need be. Sonali Bendre Behl is one such fighter. She beat the cancer beast with all the courage and grace she had. Yes, the Big C has had its collateral damage and she’s scarred, however, she has emerged even more beautiful. She’s a survivor, who has bravely shared her story with the world, sometimes with a teardrop, at times with a laugh. But always giving a dose of strength to others to keep the fight going. Today, on World Cancer Day, the actress and author tells us about her ordeal, the lows, learnings and the revelations. Yes, she tears up at times, but that spirit of hers, you can’t tear it down. Shine the spotlight on Sonali, folks, and read on...

It’s great to have you back in Mumbai, Sonali, and see that you are on the road to recovery (last year, she was diagnosed with high-grade metastatic cancer, following which she went to New York for treatment). It must be so much more comforting being in home territory, right? Like your social media posts said #OneDayAtATime, are you following that mantra?
There was a time when we thought that we should stay on in New York for a few more months, but then, at the earliest opportunity that I got, I ran back. Home is home, after all. It is here where my family is. Eventually, your mental health is as important as what is going on with you physically. I needed to be back, I was away for nearly six months. Two months, have gone by since I am back, and I’ve barely stepped out. Yet, I am not bored of being at home. So, rather than saying how does it feel being back home, let’s say… how does it feel being back. I can’t believe that I am back! Of course, once you are on home ground, you tend to go back into the old pattern. I have to remind myself to take one day at time, and go slow. I’m a very hands-on kind of person, so I’ve to tell myself that there is no need to panic if I can’t do certain things today; I will do them next week. I have to remind myself that my body will take some time to start doing normal things again, though I don’t know when that will happen at this point.

I loved one of your online posts from New York where you said that you are “Walking among so many stories. Each trying to write their own chapter in different ways.” Tell us about some of the stories and people who touched your life...
I was always surrounded by family and friends. They were staggering their visits, so that I always had someone around. And then you realise, there are people in the same hospital room who are absolutely alone. There was this 80-year-old lady, who said, ‘I know this has happened and I don’t see any reason why anyone else should be stopping their lives for it. I can come here, take my treatment and go home’. On one hand, I am grateful I have people around me, at the same time, I look around and see the kind of strength people have. It is about moving on and accepting life. There was another lady I met at the café, near the hospital, she came up to me and said that she was diagnosed with breast cancer just a while ago, and she thought that her world had come to an end. She said, ‘I was moping and then my husband showed me your posts. It made me feel that if you could do this, I can too. I will fight it and live a normal life.’ There are so many such stories that I will not ever forget.

So, even while you were battling cancer in a different country, in those moments of uncertainty and pain, you found a new perspective towards life. Would you say that? Has this whole experience opened you up as a person?
It’s difficult, the patterns still come back and the instinct is to hold back, as I am a private person. Every time I put out a post, I doubt if I should do it, as I know that I am sharing a part of my life. In a city like NY, you meet people from all over the world. And the one thing I realised was that there is so much love and humanity around us. Most importantly, I got so much of love from people who don’t know me at all. I had lost all my hair, so people obviously knew that I was going through some treatment, and the kind of sensitivity they showed me was so touching. It could be anyone at the cash counter, grocery store or salon; they figured that I was going through something in life, so just that one smile or one sweet gesture made a difference. And here, I have been thinking all along…what world is my child going to live in? You hear such stories like there is no love in the world, there is so much hatred around. People have become cynical and they are only fighting with each other. While I was going through all this, Goldie (Behl, husband) and I sat down and thought…what are we so bloody scared about? The world is not as bad as it seems. I think that instinctively, the first thing human beings feel is love and the need to help each other. To do the rest of the things like hating and judging people, we have to really go out of our character. Yes, these stories gave me a different perspective towards life, and I know that there is so much to learn from it and so much to give back.

Goldie and I both agree that when we were teenagers, we were fearless. We thought that the whole world is in front of us and we have nothing to worry about. As you grow older, especially when you become parents, you become fearful. I think for us, we are back to our teenage years. We are back to being fearless again. Every time I feel scared, I tell myself that I have to be fearless, because all the stories that we are talking about, none of those were scripted. It really happened. So if there is so much of love and niceness in the world, you have to believe that sab achcha hi hoga.

A lot of cancer survivors are often not open to talking about their personal trials and trauma. A few years ago, when you had written the book, The Modern Gurukul: My Experiments With Parenting, you had said that being a private person, it was hard to share experiences of your life. And here you were, opening your heart out and bravely sharing stories of probably the most painful phase of your life. Was it comforting in a way?
After I started putting the posts out, I realised that cancer is so rampant, and people from every strata of society starting writing to me about their battle with the disease. I have heard people breaking down while telling me that they went through it without their mother or the rest of the family knowing about it. There are so many people who hide it and have no outlet. For me, because I had let it out, I got so much of love and support. I can’t imagine myself sitting alone in NY and going through this horror without anyone knowing about it. I would have been a nervous wreck. People have gone through years of that and hats off to them. The more I reached out and shared my stories with people; I realised that I was not alone. Keeping it all inside you and not sharing it with anyone, is worse than what the disease can do to you. Think of what you are doing to your mind? You are attacking your mental health by shutting yourself down and eventually, your mental health is what is going to see you through this. Just to know you are not alone and that you are loved can see you through this ordeal. I have had numerous people who have said that my posts have inspired them so much. There are still so many people who are writing to me. I have had people stop me on the road in NY, and say, ‘I can’t hug you, but after reading your posts, I am looking at my life in a different way.’ We were standing there in the middle of the street, and of course, I was emotionally fragile, I was crying and she was crying, while Goldie was standing patiently and looking at us.

In the past, you have said that you have a good and dark sense of humour. Did that come handy while tiding over this?
I think humour is the best way to deal with it. I laughed through it, I laughed with it. And I continue to laugh at it. There is no other way to deal with it. When you are going through all this, people treat you with kid gloves and it’s quite hilarious at times. There are some things that you say so casually, but in this situation it sounds strange. Like I told someone…Look at this view, it is to die for. And then I paused and said…yes, well, it’s great, but I don’t mean it. I think I will change my vocabulary. I remember that post-surgery, I would sometimes walk around the hospital with my chemotherapy IV in my hand, because I was bored of lying down. My friends have some funny videos of me doing all that stuff. My hair had gone and I was constantly rubbing my head. I have one of those videos, where my friend is telling me that I am constantly rubbing my head, and I turn around and tell her that I am actually dancing to Tattad Tattad. They fell down laughing. Even while the chemo was going on, we would look at videos, crack jokes and laugh. I told myself, I am spending so much of money here, so I will treat it like a holiday in NY, with a little bit of chemos thrown in. That was my way of dealing with it.

In your online posts, you have said that you want to learn that there can be a ‘new normal’. Are you finding your way through it?
It’s not easy to find a new normal, it is damn tough. You keep falling back, but I know that I will get there.

Do you plan to go back to work sometime soon?
I am definitely getting back to work; I want to work every day of my life now. I don’t know what I will do, so I am leaving that open. I have realised in the last six months that if your brain is working at a fast pace and your body can’t keep up with it, then it can get really frustrating. You know what, we are all going to get to an age where our body won’t keep up with our brain, right now it’s all good and so, I will make the most of it. After I had my son (Ranveer), I said that I want to spend time with him while he was growing up. I did it, and touch wood, he is a good boy. Now, he doesn’t need a mother who is around him all the time. He needs the independence to grow into the person he is. For that to happen, I need to occupy myself, and hence, going to work is the best option for all of us (smiles). These six months have shown me that he can deal with things, and if that is the case, I have to give him that space. I need to be doing my own thing.

With so many new stories in your head, do you feel like writing another book, maybe?
I don’t want to write a book right now, because writing a book can be a very lonely process. Maybe, I will get over it, but at this point of time, being alone is a bit scary and I definitely don’t want to sit alone with my thoughts. I need to see people around me; I need to see life around me. I want to meet and spend time with young people. You know what I mean, I want to be around people who feel alive and have that kind of energy. I don’t want it to be quiet and alone. I have had that. The last six months, while people were around me all the time, I was in a different country, different place and that can get very lonely. I always thought that I was a loner, but that myth has been busted. As far as writing is concerned, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to collaborate and do some different kind of writing. Books are not the only way to tell a story, there are so many mediums now.

Actor Sonali Bendre Behl plays the toughest role of her life in the real world — that of first- time mum. The lessons it’s taught her make it to a new book
Anjana (MID-DAY; October 18, 2015)

It was about 10 years ago that actor Sonali Bendre Behl stepped aside the silver screen to nurse her career as fulltime mum. The real life drama that comes with that part — a role of and for a lifetime — now unfolds on the pages of The Modern Gurukul, a slim 204-page Penguin Random House India publication.

It’s a simple book that starts off like a mother’s diary right from zero hour, actually just from a little bit before the labour pains strike, from the point where Bendre-Behl is sitting pretty, confident that she’d ace motherhood, confident even that she wouldn’t need epidural. But, her first submission comes within 12-hours of labour — “Knock me out. Give me that epidural. I’m desperate” — and in a way it sets the tone for what’s to come. This is a book on parenthood, its joys and frustrations and coming to terms with the fact that sometimes you’re plain wrong and, what’s more, nobody really knows what’s “right”. This is a point that comes through in the first few pages itself, when Bendre-Behl talks about breastfeeding. While baby books typically prescribe a regimental chart of how and when to wean babies off breast milk, the actor found that approach just didn’t work for her and introduced solid foods at three months, that’s three months ahead of the prescribed time. “It’s an example that I felt was very important because for everything that new mothers are told and taught, every child is different and sometimes you need to try different things. There’s no hard and fast rule,” she tells us, emphasising that her book is about her journey, that it’s not some sort of cheat sheet that’ll guarantee an A in motherhood.

“When my husband read the draft, one of the things that he was concerned about was the kind of pressure it would put on our son to be a good boy,” she laughs, referring to director Goldie Behl. The clarity is necessary, because while the book touches on some very important issues, such as the pressure to fall in love with your baby at first glance, the harsh self-criticism that follows when you don’t, and the need to expose your vulnerabilities to your children, admit mistakes and apologise when you’re wrong, parts of it may set the bar too high for many.

Though differently phrased in different chapters, on more than one occasion, Bendre-Behl stresses, “ I did EVERYTHING myself,” — she refers of course, to the feeding, bathing, massaging etc. Surprisingly, even though she speaks of the need for a strong support system for mothers, that topic is quickly diminished into a “need to maintain peace” as the author goes on to set clear limits for what grandparents must do, pretty much limiting their role to showering the kids with love and affection. To be fair, she does also repeatedly point out that, “Not all are as fortunate as me.” Her decisions to enroll her son in an IB school, follow certain diet regimes or allow mealtimes before the tele etc. are therefore exactly that — her decisions. This is important to remember because to a new mother struggling to cope with a flood of hormones, a large workload and household chores, a line such as, “If you really want something, you will make time for it,” can be all it takes to push you across to full- blown postpartum depression. Though more than two pages have been dedicated to Tamil poet Thiruvalluvar’s excellent tips from Thirukkural, a book on ancient behavioural psychology as it were, this book must therefore not be treated as a guide book on parenthood but rather a means to exchange notes with a mother.

In that ambition — as a book that touches on issues that most mothers in India would have dealt with — it succeeds. Though certain lines and scenes here are easily imagined as film dialogues, like, “I decided that I would be that teacher for Ranveer and our home would be his gurukul” the author’s commitment to stay true to her cause — to familiarise Indian women with the evolution of Indian parenting — is evident in her honest approach.

She has opened up about family disagreements on viewpoints and even her husband’s dyslexia, though clearly these are sensitive topics. She tells us, “This whole experience has been very scary for me. I’m not even on social networking sites because I’m such a private person, so for me to write all this... but I realised I needed to do it properly, and to be completely honest because sometimes, you hear about someone dealing with something and it can help you with what you’re going through."

Her decision to take up a full-time TV role, says Sonali Bendre, was to allow her 9-year-old son 'grow up'.
Kunal Guha (MUMBAI MIRROR; October 19, 2014)

Her debut film, the 1994 Aag opposite Govinda came as a surprise for her family, which until then had churned out only engineers. It was a risk, but having spent over two decades in the industry, acted in countless films and judged several reality shows, Sonali Bendre feels the gamble has paid off.

Perching on a couch on the sets of Ajeeb Daastaan Hai Ye, Bendre is on the edge of another gamble, as a television actor. "Some (gambles) pay off, some don't. There's no harm in trying," surmises the actor, who until now, has only judged TV shows and restricted acting to film.

Her dialogue sheet flutters slightly as she talks about her role - that of a middle-class woman who has to fend for her family. She is quick to clarify that she doesn't share much in common with Shobha, her on screen self. "She is probably someone who got married just after college...something I would have never done," she says firmly.

Bendre seems to know her mind well. A decade ago, she moved to television - extracting a big gasp from those in her circles - to anchor a children's talent show. "Everyone has this perception that people move to television when they aren't doing well in films. I find this funny because when I did my first TV show, I had just acted in films like Sarfarosh and Hum Saath Saath Hain," she says, adding that her decision was fuelled by her fascination for the show. "I love kids and that show gave kids a platform to showcase their talent. I am a talent-show-find myself and, therefore, believed in it," she adds.

What other people thought of her move didn't matter. "I have never measured my success in other people's eyes, and I have never followed any rules," she says, adding that if she did, she would've been an IAS officer or an engineer today.

While she loves talent hunts and judged two prime-time talent shows, she has a grouse against the parents of contestants. "Most parents push their children a lot. When the kids don't succeed, they feel bad because their parents feel worse and openly convey this. Parents need to chill out and tell their kids that it's fine if they didn't make it."

A mother to a nine-year-old, Bendre says one of the reasons she took up her latest acting gig was to give her son a break from herself, "Every child is impressionable in the first seven years and I've nurtured my son through this period. But now that Ranveer is nine, I feel I'm mollycoddling him and need to let him be." She hopes her absence from home makes her son more responsible. Encouragement came from husband, producer Goldie Behl, who volunteered to fill in for her. "He has been rescheduling his work to attend school meetings and even joining Ranveer at his tennis classes," she exults. She jokes that the relationship brewing between dad and son is leaving her a bit insecure.

While she's managing to juggle her personal life, along with her hectic TV shoots (10-12 hours a day), Bendre is yet to plan long-term. "Six months on, if I feel that things are going fine, I might continue or I'll just go back to my son," she says nervously. All her actions, even the choice of what she watches at home, are governed by what will work for her son. "I watch edutainment channels, hoping my son gets hooked on to programmes beyond cartoons," she says.

As the conversation returns to what she does on screen, Bendre discusses the changes in her craft based on the switch in mediums. "The grammar of television differs...The way you hold or prolong an expression differs as well. You have to prepare yourself based on the camera angle. If it's a close shot, you might just need to emote through your eyes, and it has to be subtle. If your eyes move even a bit more than required, it would be considered overacting," laughs the 39-yearold, who hasn't had any formal training in acting.

Her film career may be behind her, but would she do things differently if she were to debut today. "I would choose slightly different subjects," she says, adding, "Also, I'd need to be much more prepared since most actresses today are a lot of more informed and trained before they start working."