The toddler stage was a piece of cake. It is tougher to deal with a teenager. Teens have a mind of their own and they know exactly what they want. These days, even for family get-togethers, Samara sometimes says “No, I don’t want to go.” Everything starts with a no. I have to calmly explain to her that family is as important as friends. I keep drilling that into her head and then I sort of get my way somewhere. We reach a middle point. As long as she does what is expected where family is concerned, it is good enough. Comparatively, the toddler years were a dream.

You have to be extremely tolerant, patient and kind with teens and understand where they are coming from. That’s what I have learnt. I honestly feel if you show even a little aggression, it just falls flat. Aggression leads to more aggression. You must understand your child’s psyche. We’ve all been through that age. Our parents have gone through that time with us. We have to understand them, adapt and act accordingly. If Samara is not listening to me and she’s stubborn about something, I try to think about it from her point of view and communicate in a language that she’d understand.

It does. I am struggling every day. Just before Samara comes home from school, I literally pray that she’s in a good mood. I pray that all has gone well at school and there are no arguments because anything could be a trigger for kids. This generation is very different.

I have tried every style, to be honest. If I am strict with her or I shout at her, it doesn’t make a difference. No matter how many times I repeat “Samara, study” she won’t listen to me. But when Bharat (she is married to Delhi-based businessman Bharat Sahni) says something even once or if he is upset and corrects Samara, she’s like “okay, fine” and it is done. He doesn’t say anything to her usually so when he does, it matters to her. So, I use him every time she doesn’t listen. I tell him, “Bharat, I have tried my best. Now, it’s time for you to intervene.” He supports me a lot where Samara is concerned. We are a team now.

I am very lucky. Bharat is totally supportive. Samara is our only child and we don’t want to spoil her. We do correct her whenever required but not to a point where she feels we are nagging her. You have to deal with things very delicately so that the child does not feel isolated. So, as a team, we sit her down and talk. We don’t lecture her too much because I know that does not work anymore. We try and reason with her. We give our examples from when we were young and did naughty things and how our parents corrected us. My mother (Neetu Kapoor) also plays a very important part in talking to Samara. She tells Samara about my childhood and how I used to be. I think talking helps a lot. Lecturing doesn’t help. Besides, children ape their parents. Your child may not listen to you, but if you do something, the child will look at you and do the same thing. That is one thing I have learned over the years.

Are you raising Samara the same way? No, because I was quite different from Samara. I was always a nerd. I call myself a proud geek. I keep telling Samara that I used to go to school with two well-oiled plaits and spectacles. I would sit on the first bench and try to impress the teacher. When mom would say it’s time to study, I used to study. If she would ask me to eat or go to bed, I used to do that. I went by the book. Somewhere, I expected Samara to be like me, but she has her own unique personality. When we were kids, we were not exposed to a lot of things that these kids are exposed to. These kids literally have the world at their fingertips. They are more aware. We used to learn whatever we learned from school and whatever our parents taught us. We used to go to a library and open a book and read it. That concept doesn’t exist anymore. So, times have changed and so have we. My mom and dad (Rishi Kapoor) were not strict parents, but we always listened to them. We never argued with them or talked back.

No, he was not strict at all. That’s the wrong impression about him. My dad adored us, and we adored him. The thing is, he didn’t want us to be spoilt. Every parent wants to discipline their child. Sometimes, it would be a little difficult for mom to handle us alone. Dad was always away shooting. He had a very heavy voice. We used to be scared of his voice. It’s not that he raised his voice at us. He never shouted at me. Never. I still remember the time when I wanted to pursue higher studies abroad. I had never left home before that. My dad never once said no to me, but he was so nervous. He was worried about me living abroad on my own. Every time he was stressed, he would march up and down the corridor. When I introduced him to Bharat, he was like, “Okay, where is the boy from? How is the family?” and again he marched up and down the corridor. But he never got angry with us. The only time I used to get scared was when my phone bill used to come. He used to just look at me and look at the long list of calls. At that time, only itemised bills were available. I remember calling up the phone company and asking if I could have a non-itemised bill. I used to get really scared, but he was never strict. It’s just that his personality seemed strict, you know.

Yes, in a way. But they cannot cross a line. We are not their friends; we are their parents. So that respect has to be there. It must be balanced. I expect Samara to come to me and talk to me about anything and everything and not be scared. But at the same time, I don’t want her to take me for granted and say, “Oh, you know what, my mom is really cool. She’s like a friend.”

This is very rare because we live in Delhi, and we don’t have the pap culture here. In Mumbai, when she’s out with my brother or with family, she loves to pose. She enjoys getting clicked; she gets a kick out of it.

Sometimes, she says she wants to join the movies. Sometimes, she talks about becoming a doctor or a singer. I think it is too early to say. If she does want to get into acting, I will surely support her. I will help her follow her dreams and be behind her whether she chooses to be a doctor, an engineer or an actor.

I am. Samara goes to a school where there is no ranking system. You’re competing with yourself which is good in a way as it avoids too much pressure on kids. But sometimes, I really wish there was a little competition because that motivates one to work harder. I am particular about her submissions and homework. When it is exam time, I literally leave everything aside and parade outside her room to keep a watch because she tends to get distracted and takes breaks every two minutes to go to the kitchen for water or something else.

I don’t really tell her what to eat and what to skip because teens often do exactly what you don’t want them to do. We belong to a family of foodies, so Samara is a big foodie too. I do want her to get at least eight hours of sleep but that does not happen as she studies till late. I am struggling with the sleep aspect.

I try to keep a limit on her screen time. No devices are allowed at the dining table. That’s one rule I strictly impose. We all eat lunch and dinner together and chat about our day. I also take away Samara’s phone when she’s done with her research or whatever else. In fact, I try to keep her phone with me as much as possible. I had the biggest argument with Bharat when he wanted to get Samara a phone a year or two back as she was already using a laptop and iPad for schoolwork. Eventually, he gave her his old phone. But now he realizes and says, “You were so right. We shouldn’t have given her a phone.”

I don’t check her browser history because that would drive me crazy, but I have set rules. I trust my child and know that she will not do anything wrong. There was a phase when she was into playing a particular online game. I had read about how unsafe the game can be. So, I sat her down and told her about the negative side of it. I told her what I felt but I left the final decision up to her and told her to be cautious.

I do worry. When she was younger, she was a performer. She used to sing and dance or give gyaan on some topic in her own baby way. Mom and I used to record videos of her. She used to love it. Now, she records her own videos but she always takes my approval before posting. I don’t really look after her Instagram account but I do watch what she posts.

I am friends with her on social media as of now. She’s just entered her teens so you never know. But I have confidence in her. I don’t think she will block me because I do give her freedom. I remind her: “I give you all the freedom, just don’t misuse it and don’t let me down.”

Honestly, I would not want her to use social media or even have a phone for that matter. But that’s not possible. These days, kids use laptops and iPads in school and all the school-related communication is on WhatsApp. So, there’s not much one can do. If I’m upset, I do take away her phone for a couple of hours. And then she’s like, “But mamma, my homework is on my phone.” So, then I have to hand it over. It is a tug-of-war.

Samara is an aware and intelligent child. She doesn’t really pay heed to trolls. She tells me, “Mamma, I don’t even read most of the comments. Everyone is not out there to love me. People can love me or hate me. It’s ok, I’ll do my thing.” I have told her that people say all kinds of nasty things and if we start listening to every person, we are giving them the upper hand and letting them win. I tell her to not pay attention to people we don’t know as they don’t know how nice a person she is. I also stress on the importance of being a good human. I want to be proud of the fact that I raised a good child.

No, I was never paranoid. It’s just that Samara is my only child and I could not bring myself to leave her somehow. I never left her for even a day for the first three-four years. I used to take her with me wherever I went. Bharat used to say, “When are you going to have a life? You need to start leaving her. She is also growing up.” But he respected the fact that I was with her at that time. The first time I left Samara behind in Delhi was when I had to rush to Mumbai when dad was hospitalized. After that, I started leaving her for two to three days at a time, so she got used to it and I became more confident too. When I was shooting for Fabulous Lives of Bollywood Wives recently, I left her for 10 days. I think leaving a child behind is a personal choice and moms should do it when they feel comfortable.

Communication. Whether you are a stay-at-home parent or a working parent, it is important to spend at least one hour with your child daily. You need to put devices away, get off work calls and simply talk to your child, ask them how their day went. You have to give your child the confidence, love and comfort of knowing that no matter what happens you will be there for them. If you keep saying no for everything, your child may feel shy or may not come to you if something goes wrong. He or she may start lying and hiding things which is something no parent wants.

Absolutely. Whenever Samara is at home, she joins my yoga session. She is very good at yoga. I actually advised her to start a YouTube channel where she can inspire teens to practise yoga. She’s very creatively inclined. She loves to dance, sing, paint and act. She’s currently doing a play at school where she is part of the main cast. These are just small steps, and it is great for her confidence.

It’s too soon to tell. All I can say is that Alia and Ranbir are amazingly hands-on parents. I used to think Bharat is such a hands-on dad. When he was home, he would just be there for Samara and take care of her. But after seeing Ranbir, I realize he is a really good dad too. He does it all, from changing diapers to burping her. In fact, he calls himself a burp specialist. You know, no one really has a manual for parenting. As a first-time parent, every day is a learning process and every one’s parenting style is very different. But from what I can see from the outside, they are amazing parents.