It is weird. Sometimes, I feel like I am having an out-of-body experience (laughs). Everything went by so quickly. One moment I was pregnant and before I knew it, Koa was here and now he’s seven months old. If I didn’t have pictures of everything, I would probably think it was all a big dream. I always wanted to be a mother at some point in my life, but I had resigned to the fact lately that maybe I wasn’t going to be a mom…maybe it wasn’t cut out for me…maybe I was just going to be this cool aunt. So, suddenly getting pregnant was amazing. I also experienced all the nerves that come with being pregnant. It was such a big roller coaster of emotions.

It’s crazy. He does like an alligator roll in the bed and he keeps rolling and rolling. He hasn’t started crawling yet, but he’s doing all the moves that sort of lead up to crawling. He’s doing downward dogs, planks and push-ups (laughs). I feel like one phase gets over so quickly and then you’ve got to prepare for the next one. Before I knew it, he was teething and then it was all about solids and now, he’s almost crawling. And, we are baby-proofing everything. Time is just flying.

I had read about postpartum depression, and I have dealt with a mild case of depression in the past, so I assumed I was mentally prepared. But nothing really prepares you for the feeling of postpartum depression. It’s an added kind of mom guilt in a way. And it’s very alienating. If I am alone at home with my baby and if I’m having a tough moment, it’s really hard because I have to make sure I am happy and calm for my baby, but at the same time I am breaking on the inside. I feel like I’m failing as a mother sometimes. So, it’s very hard. It was trickier for me because I’d moved to the US, away from my friends, and it was like a new life altogether. There’s so much going on in your mind. Is he throwing up or is it spit up? Do I need to take him to the hospital? Is he eating enough? Why has he not pooped in two days? I have to take care of another human being. I have to make sure he’s thriving, not just surviving. It’s a lot of responsibility. I know a lot of people don’t understand postpartum depression even now. I remember reading some comments online after I spoke about it briefly. They were like why does she have postpartum depression, she has money she must be having tons of people to help her? I think people think I am a millionaire of some sort and have 20 people doing stuff for me. Even if I was that person and had 20 helpers, so what? Post-partum can affect anybody, whether you have the means to have a lot of help or whether you don’t. That’s something that a lot of people don’t understand. It made me a little sad. People are still so unaware and so uneducated about this condition.

Yes, but it is so important. I have been very fortunate as my husband’s been my therapist. I know that’s a big weight I am putting on him, but he’s been amazing. Every time I have doubts or I feel like I am failing, he assures me that I am doing amazingly well and that I’m a really good mom. You need somebody to consistently reassure you and tell you that this baby is really lucky to have you because you forget this. Your whole life is consumed by your child, and babies can’t really communicate how they’re feeling. So, if they are crying, you just feel like you are failing. I feel bad that some women don’t have that luxury of being able to talk about it. Postpartum is really misunderstood.

I read so many books about pregnancy and labour and there were so many tips about everything including what to put in the hospital bag. But there’s not a lot of information about what to do when the baby is here. No one gives you a manual when you have a baby. I gave birth to Koa at night so by the time they moved me to the recovery room, it was midnight. I was exhausted and I had not slept for three days. And, they just give you the baby and say, “Ok, you have a good night and we’ll check in on you in a few hours.” And, I am wondering, “What do we do now? Somebody help me!” There’s a lot that goes into it. For example, when it comes to breastfeeding, you’re told that you must feed the baby immediately after birth. But you’re not going to have your milk supply come in for at least two, three or even four days. So, what can you do? You start feeling guilty. Oh my god! Nothing’s coming out. My baby’s going to starve. So many things go through your mind. It’s nerve-wracking. The hospital did tell me a lot of good stuff, but still I was like, “Hey, can I stay here a little longer?”

My girlfriends who had babies warned me that breastfeeding is hard. Initially, it wasn’t bad, but then you have mastitis that comes with it and sometimes they don’t latch okay or sometimes they gnaw on you even though they don’t have teeth. I did not expect it to be as painful as it turned out to be. Nobody talks about how hard it is. And there’s this pressure that you feel, like you’re failing as a mom if you can’t breastfeed. That needs to be talked about too. I saw so many videos online where doctors said that even if you feed your baby a teaspoon of breast milk; it is fine. You’re not a failure if you cannot breastfeed or if you don’t want to breastfeed your baby.

I personally did not want to feed my child formula. I managed to exclusively breastfeed, so I was pretty proud. But I have to say that if I didn’t put that pressure on myself, it would have been a little easier. I beat myself up because you have so many different days. Like some days you just have a lower supply. Sometimes you can’t pump as much as you normally would. Again, because of social media, there are so many videos you see of women pumping like bottles and bottles. One wonders how they are pumping so much. We’re setting very, very high standards for each other. You start wondering what you are doing wrong — am I not eating the right foods? Am I not drinking enough water?

I obviously knew I was pregnant way before I made the announcement. I was looking forward to sharing the news, but I wanted to do it on my own terms. I did not expect the kind of comments I received. People were like, is she married, is she not married, who’s the husband, does she even have a husband, this is blasphemous…I was pretty surprised. I did not feel the need to explain myself at all. The only people I need to explain myself to are my family. I don’t owe any explanation to anybody else. It’s my life at the end of the day, I’m the one who pays my bills. It just made me sad because there are situations where women do choose to have a baby on their own. They may choose to have a baby with a partner without marriage or they may choose to have a baby via adoption or whatever means. There are so many options now. I feel like in every aspect whoever you choose to be as a mom and however you want to be, it is completely okay. It’s kind of sad that women are still judged based on their choices. I think it’s something that really needs to change because you know if I had to have a baby on my own and be a single mother, I would like to be appreciated for the work that I’m putting in for my child. Or don’t appreciate it but just let me live my life the way I want to live it because I don’t want your judgment or your opinion. I mind my business, why don’t you as well? It did make me really sad and eventually I did mention that “hey, this is my man” because there was too much speculation as to who it was. Mike’s really easy-going. I told him our relationship is personal, it’s not something I want to flash around and talk about in detail. If I want to mention things, I will at some point. Years ago, when I mentioned my relationship, I didn’t like how it panned out. I didn’t like how people talked about my then partner’s family and about him. That is something I don’t want repeated with my husband and son. I am fiercely private about my family, and I would love to share about them but it’s something that I don’t want people talking about it in a horrible way because that would just make me incredibly mad because now I’ve got like this mama bear spirit inside me that just goes bananas if somebody says anything about my child. So, I made all the announcements on my own terms.

It was. I ended up following a lot of social media influencers who were back to looking fantastic — I hate the term ‘bounce back’ — within two months of giving birth while here I was ripping myself apart in the mirror, crying because of how horrible I felt I looked. I am still working on it. I still feel an insane amount of pressure to look like what I did before I had a baby, and I’m putting this pressure on myself, and it just makes me feel like a horrible person. Some women go back to what they looked like pre-baby very quickly and that’s just their body or maybe they have help so they have the time to actually go to the gym and maybe they sleep through the night because they have somebody else doing night duty. I did everything on my own from day one. It was a choice that I made. I think however you choose to parent, whether you want to be a hands-on mom or a mom who has somebody doing night feeds, it is totally okay. If you choose to be like me, you end up looking haggard. I’m in a mom bun and pyjamas on most days and it is fine. I just wanted to normalize it because there’s that little pressure that somehow we women put on each other to be incredibly fit and get back to those pre-baby jeans and look well-rested and have lovely shiny hair every day. It’s not a reality, and it is totally okay if you are not that person. That’s just something that I wanted to say. I do love dressing up and I would love to prioritize myself a lot more, but this is what I have chosen and nothing makes me happier than seeing my baby happy. I’ll have time when he is older to do more things for myself but right now, I want to spend time with him.

Mike is 100 percent involved. He’s been fabulous with diaper duty from day one which is actually what is required. In the hospital, after giving birth you are in so much pain, the last thing you want to do is bend over your baby and change a diaper. Not just that, he loves entertaining Koa, talking to him, and playing with him. Koa is a completely different baby when he’s with Mike. He laughs so much more when he is hanging out with his dad. They have their boy thing, I suppose. It’s really lovely to see their beautiful bond and their own little games that they play together.

I feel like we’re a mix of both. There’ll be times where Mike will say, “I think you’re being a little unreasonable, Koa” and I say, “No, I think he’s all right.” So, I think we both have our moments. We balance each other out.

It is something that we forget. But again, it feels like pressure because one reads so much about how you must make time for yourself and your partner and about how your whole life shouldn’t be consumed by your baby. I told Mike that I feel like I don’t give him any time. The lovely thing is he said, “You do such an amazing job being a mom to my baby. I couldn’t want anything more…It is totally okay if you don’t have time for me.” I guess I lucked out with an absolutely, amazingly understanding man and there is no pressure.