Entering the new year hoping that Bollywood’s movers and shakers will give us some more of these:
Khalid Mohamed (MUMBAI MIRROR; December 28, 2018)

Get this. Going by the higgledy-piggledly state of the movies today, it would be constructive to hope fervently for really rollicking, recuperative, GST-tax free hours at the multiplexes.

Towards this utopia, I dare to let my imagination articulate the 12 dream things I’d kill, slay and swordfence for to see on the screen, come 2019. Fingers and eyes crossed.

Ranveer Singh as common man’s king
No flowery, paisley, tulip printed pantaloons, no unruly hairlocks, no noisy tucking into uncooked legs of lamb or turkey feathers (or whatever the meats served for Allauddin Khilji’s snacks in Padmaavat), accompanied by Dolby-enhanced gobble-gobble, slurps-burps on the soundtrack. It would be a wonderful change to see Ranveer sir, in simple-spoke cotton shirts and baggy jeans, a buzz cut, moustache uncurlicued while relishing a tomato=cucumber salad which would earn him an instant following with the constituency of vegans.


Sangam gender bender
It would be a casting coup if the rejigged version of Sangam platformed Ranbir Kapoor in a male avatar of Vyjayanthimala with Deepika Padukone and Katrina Kaif stepping into Raj Kapoor’s and Rajendra Kumar’s mocassins respectively. Ranbir could swim in a bubbling brook, Deepika would serenade him with a bag of bugles only to be summoned as a TV news reporter to cover a war breakout on the border. Then what? Katrina would hit her smartphone, singing to Ranbir on voicemail, “Yeh mera email padhkar tum naaraz na hona.” Hairpin bend ahead: Deepika returns, in one piece, and croons over the piano, “Saheli saheli na rahi.” Shudder, who’ll get dearest Ranbir? Spoiler alert: Neither. He has lost his heart to the guest star Alia Bhatt. The reviews would grouse that Sangam Phir Se isn’t a patch on the original. But who cares for the ignoramus crits? The opening weekend collections will be thumper bumper.


Smoking zone
For her upcoming projects, Swara Bhasker must take serious smoking lessons. In Veere Di Wedding, she puffed away at the weed as if the cigarette (lite) was a live caterpillar. And while we’re on smoke-chokes, poet-cum-censor chief Prasoon Joshi could be cordially invited to a webinar, for a discussion on a ban on those irritating ‘smoking is dangerous’ bands on the edge of the screen. Give poetic licence a chance, kaviji.


Dark chocolate
How gratifying it would be to see Varun Dhawan exploring his oh-so-sensitive side once again after Shoojit Sircar’s October. A sequel of sorts, Sircar’s December could depict Varun rescuing a stranded girl from the frosty winter valley of Kashmir. Turns out that she’s a Pakistani girl who trespassed to India in her search for water and a bar of chocolate. A darker shade of Bajrangi Bhaijaan perhaps, but let Sircar and his team of writers sort that out. Why should I?


In-depth
Hrithik Roshan is the one! Give him a complex scene and he makes it as simple as threading the eye of a needle. Don’t know what the update is on Super 30, the biopic on mathematician Anand Kumar directed by the #MeToo-outed Vikas Bahl. I’d watch it first-day-first-show but if Bahl’s name continues to be in the credits, I wouldn’t see it at the last-day-last-show. A pity really. An all-rounder – serious and spirited – Dugu needs to be seen, swagging and swaying, with far more regularity. And yes, all ye filmmakers out there, wake up…see the fathomless depths in his eyes.


Debutantes’ ball
The lately launched star daughters Jahnvi Kapoor and Sara Ali Khan have elicited inevitable comparisons. It would be delightul to see them spar in a purely ‘ladies picture’, ever so purposeful in content. Surely Karan Johar could pilot them through a daringly different take on the status of working women. The plot’s about Jahnvi and Sara competing for a mega-promotion at their corporate office. But the male boss is a chauvinistic porky. Bonded now, the girls gang up to expose his sordid shenanigans. Who wins the corporate firm’s equivalent of the gift hamper: Jahnvi or Sara? Kjo’s call entirely.


Beards hatao
Few may remember Kishore Kumar’s eccentric, roll-in-the-aisles comedy Badhti ka Naam Dadhi (1974) about a savagely contested pageant for the longest beard. That was then. Today, it’s often tough to make out the faces (read:facial expressions) of the hirsute heroes. Take Ayushmann Khurrana and Harshvardhan Kapoor. Ayushmann I like nevertheless, especially for his easygoing acting and choice of out-of-the-bogs roles. As for Harshvardhan’s distinctive facial features, these may be disclosed at last with the biopic on Olympic champion shooter Anand Bindra, who fortunately, goes clean-shaven.


So sari
I doze and dream on frequently about Ma’am Rekha turning producer, director, choreographer and costume designer for a film called Kanjeevaram picturised on authentic locales in Kanchi. Ma’am will take on the challenging part of a Kanjeevaram sari weaver from the age of 18 to 80 herself. Towards the finale, she passes on the Kanjeevaram art of workmaship to her grand-daugter, enacted by Radhika Apte, that’s if she isn’t caught up already in a web of series.


Come back soon
Which movie lover, and the Bollywood industry itself, wouldn’t want Rishi Kapoor, Sonali Bendre and Nafisa Ali Sodhi to be back where they belong – at home and before the cameras? From New York, Neetu Singh Kapoor has been posting all’s-okay pictures on Instagram to update the actor’s admirers. Reports trickle in that he’s impatient but responding positively to treatment. Here’s praying that Chintuji will be back in Bandra and knowing him, he’ll be raring to restart a film which was to be shot in Delhi, this winter.




Lord Tim
Even the crustiest naysayer will have to agree that the pap-zapper Taimur Ali Khan is to superstardom born. And from all appearances the adorable tot – chashme buddoor – is ready to roll.

Anyone with half a brain can regurgle Home Alone, after acquiring the coypright of course, and retitle it Ghar Akela. Bingo! Lord Tim’s closeups will do the rest. Our tot isn’t quite old as Macaulay Culkin, who was eight when he became the world’s prime poster-boy. Tim will be by the year when the franchise sequels end.


All is forgiven
Visualise Rajkumar Hirani discarding his pail of whitewash, forgetting the cushy multi-crore profits of Sanju, and wiping away his ubiquitous Mona Lisa smile. That would be a career-defining move and also the creation of films which once again have the wry humour and social commentary evidenced in the Munnabhai series and 3 Idiots. Clearly, Hirani knows the intricacies of intelligent direction and pungent script writing. The sugar-coated Sanju can be forgiven, once he’s back doing what he’s best at: truth-telling.

Queen in Chennai
Kangana Ranaut acts, scripts and directs a multilingual sequel to Queen, this time located in Chennai. The formidable actor has always wished to extend her band-width, and has a talent for using local accents. In any case I’ve always wanted to know what happened after our Rani told Rajkummar Rao to take a walk in Queen. I’d be thrilled if she finds peace of mind and creative satisfaction with this ambitious venture which would show off her action skills a la Baahubali, plus a female Clark Kent who can change into a Superwoman suit in a ‘phone booth. Question: Are there enough spacious ‘phone booths surviving in Chennai today?