Kangana Ranaut in the glasshouse observatory of her new house in Manali, where she was spending her recent timeout philosophising and learning to play the piano, before returning to Mumbai

Anshul Chaturvedi (BOMBAY TIMES; April 4, 2018)

There are perks of being in Manali. Kangana Ranaut steps out of her house for a 5 am walk and on many days, manages to get back without being mobbed. The days are spent in idling, philosophising, learning to play the piano and looking up at the stars through her glasshouse observatory in the picturesque house, a labour of love she has just recently completed. Her birthday comes and goes without any drama or press. In the evening, on a whim, she hops into an SUV — no burly bodyguards, not one — and drives across town for a quiet dinner, happy that most of the crowd is firang and lets her spend an undisturbed evening. You can’t do that in Mumbai, no way. She came out of her hilly hibernation to have a conversation on ageing, failure, introspection — and item numbers!

Do you get a sense of fulfillment on finally staying at this place? Was it one of those younger dreams ki ek din main jahan se aayi thi waahan ghar banaungi?
No. I always felt that if I have the option, why would I build a house in Himachal Pradesh? I’ll make it in Europe or somewhere. When you are a tourist you go on this drive, where you want to hike, you want to skate, there is a lot of physical restlessness. That died down, it just settled. Maybe because I travelled a lot, or maybe because it just had to. And then started another restlessness, which was more within, and I wanted to find who I am. For that I need a place. Around four years ago, it was spontaneous, and I told my parents that I want to make a very small house in Manali and test that feeling... like have a one bedroom and kitchen and see how I feel there. Do I feel a sense of what I am looking for? And I was so busy with my work. And they got this grand project, they saw the land, and I am like, what? You guys spent so much and got this, but I was just testing! And then one thing rolled into another, and my architect came over, and she made this grand house.

When I came in for the first time, I was like, I don’t know, I am investing all my savings, everything that I have ever done, you know, into something that I don’t know if I will be able to relate with. I was very confused. But when I came here, the Kartikeya temple was a big indicator for me. The locals came and they said I should go and visit it. The vibration here is so strong, and when they told me there is this temple, I asked which one is this? And I had read a lot about Kartikeya’s mahasamadhi in the Himalayas, and I asked if this is the same place where it took place, and they said yes. And I am like, this is it. This is it. So that was this indication for me. Basically for me, it’s more for a spiritual purpose. And my house is named Kartikeya Niwas, after the temple. I feel I am so fortunate to be in this place, because this is such a great place, such a great energy. I mean, I can’t explain enough how fortunate I feel, because of the temple.

So what have you been thinking about in the time you have spent here — has the restless within been sorted?
I have just been analysing myself. How amazing I have been, but how stupid also. There are things that I did well in these many years — I am 31 now — and it is just sort of going back and looking at things, what I did, how I did. And there are things that are amazing which I always thought are amazing, and then there are things that are utterly stupid, like my personality traits. And I am like, why would I even do that... it is not my actions, it is the personality traits, you know, and I am amused. At myself. Because I am getting this time with myself, I am able to dive into myself and see things and sort of change them.

Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I don’t love Maharashtra, I am playing a Marathi these days (laughs). I am playing Lakshmi Bai and I am speaking some Marathi as well. My characters affect me a lot and that has also given me a sense of belonging there. But the Himalayas have their own charm. It’s the vibration here. The temple right above my house, the one I mentioned. And the vibration of it, it is easier to meditate here, it is easier to do yoga, it is easier to concentrate. So for these things, this place gets extra marks, but that doesn’t mean Mumbai is any less. Mumbai is the one who sort of raised me, you know? So if you have to compare, you know how they say Yashoda will always be the bigger influence (for Krishna), how the one who adopts you and loves you like a mother will always have the higher place? That’s how Mumbai is. I went there as a nobody, with Rs 1500, and it gave me everything.

As you get older, are you getting any wiser? Or do you want to be?
Oh yes. I have been very fortunate with the experiences and the people that I meet, how they add to my life. You know, sometimes age doesn’t enhance your perception of things, in fact it brings it down. You tend to build walls around you, you tend to be...

A cynic after your experiences?
Yes, of course. That is the nature of our intellect.

And your experiences have not been the most gentle, perhaps?
Exactly. But at the same time, they have been extremely revealing of who I am as a person. They have revealed things to me that I did not know about myself. I have been very fortunate — what I needed at what point of time, it has come to me, in terms of my growth as a person. Because I see people around me, and I realize it is not that if you are growing in age, you will grow up also (laughs)! If you do not have the humility to know that there is always room for improvement, then your growth has stopped. So I understand that even though I have been very fortunate, I can still do a lot better with myself. And that pushes me to go away from chaos and spend time with myself. To look into the aspects of my personality that are holding me back as a person. In terms of professional or personal success.

In which area are you a wiser person today — as a professional or as an individual?
As an individual. There is an exceptional arc that I have acquired as a person who is skilled in their craft, but there is always room to learn the craft more, whether it is acting or the subtleties of storytelling or writing. But what I have gained as a person is extraordinary. I think my life has shaped me into an individual who is extraordinary, can be better, but who definitely has got... you know... (pauses) The way I am as a person is a lot better than I am as an actor.

Is this what you had thought you would be when you had started out in your 20s?
No, I didn’t have the clarity. In fact, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. But I was willing. I was willing to be somebody. And I had one desire in life that no matter what I do, I should be good at it. But I did not have any ambition. I think that’s what most people lack. Because we tend to admire only the superficial layer of every individual, and people think that as if it exists on its own. My story would not have been valued if it would not have come with the success that it came with. The person I am as a professional — it stems out of the person I am, the human being I am. So people tend to see the success and they assume that and they value that a lot more. But nobody starts out as saying that I want to be a good person when I grow up, or at least a happy person.

The last time we spoke, we were discussing how Rangoon was dissected so much and analysed so much that — I quote you, “now I have become an unchained beast” since nothing worse can happen. And then Simran happened! So are you an even bigger beast now?
(Laughs) I think failure is inevitable. It is nothing to feel embarrassed about. You can tell that I am not embarrassed of my failure. Yeah, for that time it baffles you, because you obviously don’t understand why things are not falling into place. In some way you feel entitled for things to fall into place. You are disappointed if it does not come together.


“I need to do things that have no purpose, and it’s a lot of fun” — that’s Kangana’s state of mind at her Manali home, and high on her list of purposeless activities was learning to play the piano

In most cases, when it does not come together, people say okay, I am slightly subdued, I’ll bounce back. You say that now that my film has flopped, I am an unchained beast. If you then have another flop coming, are you still saying okay, no big deal, now what more?
Absolutely no big deal. You can tell from my choices, you know, that I am... It can either make you extremely insecure or it can give you freedom. There’s no middle ground. Either you can get very insecure of your place, of who you are, or it can just make you understand the dynamics, the relationship between you and the work you have acquired. For me it has always been the latter, because I have the habit of deconstructing things...

Including yourself?
Yes, including myself ! And when I get into my failure or my success, I realise that I deeply love what I do, but I am also intelligent enough to know which part of it I love. From my choices you can tell I am not somebody who enjoys a crowd shouting my name or to wake up in the morning to how many followers I have, to tell them that I have had coffee. You can see the sort of commercial films that I don’t do. It is easy to see that my priorities are not that. The brands that I let go. So I have this much intelligence to understand that there is something other than this that I enjoy. And that is engagement. A film character, the imaginary world, the engagement that it gives to my creative mind. And the sense of purpose that I get every morning. So I have figured out that the things that I love about my job, I am always going to have. I can always write, I can always direct, I can be a volunteer and just write what I want to write, and make movies. So why will I be insecure?

I am not saying that what I do, what I want, or what I like or dislike are right or wrong, no. I am just trying to tell you why I appear so unaffected by all of this. It’s not because I don’t care for my happiness, in fact I care the most, but it’s just that I am a little different. The things that make me happy, might not be the things that everyone is after.

Such as?
Like I don’t do fairness brands, I don’t do big hero films, I don’t do item numbers which can boost your vanity to some unimaginable proportion.

Why don’t you do item numbers?
Well... I don’t do item numbers because there is nothing to be done in them. They are... they are obscene, they are at times unfair, most of them are sexist. What is there to be done in them? I personally feel they should be banned. I can’t be a part of something which is so toxic for us, our society, our children. If tomorrow, you have a daughter, I have a daughter, would I want her to be called those names, objectified like that? I mean, there are children out there, we need to take responsibility for them.

You said last year that your character flaw is that you’re “too, too, too headstrong”. Now, that you’re a year older, has it come down to just two ‘too’s?
(Laughs) Well, I think when you are young, you are hot-blooded, you are impulsive, you are passionate. It’s just the beauty of youth, of being that way. But in some way it starts to come down, in some way you start to grow other traits of your personality. But I will remember my growing up days as someone who was obscenely hot blooded (laughs). But now I feel that there is definitely a shift in my personality.

There is definitely a shift in your language in the last three to four years.
Yeah. There is a shift, there is a sense of calm that you feel. I am 31, running on 32. But it brings about a sense of calm in you, if you try for it. I did try for it. I could have been... you know. But I feel like that phase was great, it was good. Now, for my growth, I need to step out of my ego, or being hot-blooded, high-headed. But then comes a point when you crave engagement with your environment, you want people around you, you want to operate in a way that makes your environment absolutely pleasant, ecstatic. So that’s what I crave. More than my ego, I crave pleasantness. There was a time when pleasantness did not matter to me.

Many would say you craved conflict!
Yeah, you know, a few years ago.

Like ‘a bring it on, let’s have a fight’, that tone…
Yeah, bring it on. That was like... but now, I think what I crave is a lot of pleasantness in my environment. But that doesn’t mean that I will not raise my voice or fight for what is right.

Is the belligerence of the twenties over?
The hot-bloodedness of the youth is a very giddy headed feeling, you know, you just cannot control it...In today’s time, that’s why I feel it’s very important for people like us and the youth that are coming, to be given a cause. Otherwise their cause becomes just being anti-national (laughs). At a very young age, I got a cause from my guru, from my master (Vivekananda). But if you don’t have a cause, that age is a waste, it can just go down the drain, and then you have lost the most precious time. I am happy that at least I had some romance, about life, about values, about things that I want to do. I wanted to change, and I was this larger-than-life hero in my mind, and I love that feeling. But if I want to have that feeling now, I can’t have it. It’s not that I don’t want it, that high is something else. You are drunk, in love — in love whether with an individual, or with your cause, the way you see yourself. Do I want to feel like that? Yes, maybe. But do I feel like that? No, I don’t. But you can always shift the scene, you know... the emotion shifts and you can choose which way you want to take it.

You have become a very evolved self-critic with every passing year.
Thank you! You answered your own question! I hope you put that in the interview also (laughs)!