As told to Sanyukta Iyer (MUMBAI MIRROR; February 26, 2018)

A dialogue from the adventure-documentary Given defines how I’ve learnt to embrace life — You don’t need magic to catch a big fish. You just need to follow the stars, listen to the people you meet and catch some waves. Today, that’s how simple it all is to me. But I wasn’t always like this.

I was a damaged, troubled youth with severe anger issues. I was thrown out of my school in Lucknow in the eleventh grade for hitting students, throwing dusters around, stabbing people with things. I never received the love of my parents. I had grown up in a boarding school and hated everything. I complained about everyone. Between the ages of 16 and 18, I tried committing suicide four times. I was into alcohol and drugs and I was just so messed up that I didn’t know anything. I call it the ‘coma phase’ of my life because I don’t know how I survived it.

At the time, I used to work as a security guard at a showroom in Delhi’s South Extension. I was paid Rs 900 but I loved kaju barfi and would spend Rs 200 on a box. I used to be broke by the first week of the month and the other security guards from the area would take pity and feed me. When I had money, I used to sleep at the Jor Bagh community centre but that cost me Rs 25 per night, so mostly, I slept on the footpath.

Soon enough, everybody realised that I spoke English fluently and came from an affluent Army family. Three bhaiyyas from a showroom behind the one I was working at took me in and that’s when I moved on to being a cleaner, salesman and vendor. The list of odd jobs was endless. I was in charge of opening and bringing down the shutters, I sold jeans and shoes door-to-door in Delhi’s 45 degrees heat. It was a nightmare and like was my usual predisposition, I took off.

I started working as a helper in a shop but I quickly found small-town fame as a ‘Raju-like Guide’ and I pretty much excelled at it. Within weeks, I was teaching the tourists rock climbing, river rafting, rappelling and trekking. Then, I turned 20, and took off again. This time, I got on my bullet and drove straight to Mumbai — the City of Dreams.

Till date, I don’t know what Neena Gupta and Star Plus’s Sameer Nair saw in that absolutely pathetic audition I walked into six months after I had arrived in Mumbai. But they offered me the lead role — Aditya — in the teen drama Kyun Hota Hai Pyarr. Then, I went on to do another daily soap, Kohinoor. Neena Gupta always believed in me and gave me the series Guns ‘N’ Roses too. I was cocooned in my own world of shooting because I was facing the cameras every day. In that vacuum, I felt I made it big. Today, I realise how horrible I was in those shows. And then, one thing led to another and I ended up in Bigg Boss — Season 1.

Then, I wanted to be a movie star. While everybody is working for money and money is how we all survive comfortably, I learnt early in life that attaching too much meaning to money and too much emotion to success was foolish. It is always stupid when arrogance sets in. And I had blown up most of my money and was back to being broke. I sold off my house and borrowed Rs 10 lakh from my best friend’s brother. I had lost my way once again and needed to get my act together. With all the money I had left I took off for an acting course at New York’s Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute. For the next two years, I completely cleaned up my act and cleansed my mind and body. When you’re discussing movies and acting day in and day out, everything else seems trivial.

I realised that every body has a certain level of purity and honesty as well as impurity and corruption. And as people, we are constantly projecting these feelings onto others. I constantly lived with the burden that I had to accomplish something in life. But when I came back from Lee Strasberg, I had made peace with my past and who I was. I stopped projecting and became comfortable in my skin. I had the right amount of hunger and hope when I auditioned for Abhishek Kapoor’s Kai Po Che. It was the first audition I gave after I returned and I bagged it.

While life at the movies has continued, last year my journey came a full circle when I was invited back to my school, post the success of Sultan. I was the Chief Guest, praised for my work, and my teachers told the students that I was thrown into one life, and I chose to make another life out of it.

And acting has been my best psychiatrist. I am blessed to be in a profession I am passionate about. Acting cleanses me, infuses me with energy and helps me evolve. Every day I spoil my three dogs, do yoga, go jogging on the beach, indulge in expensive hobbies like skiing and super-biking, go to bed at 10 pm and always arrive on set at 6am like a gladiator. Shining and rearing to go.