A lowdown on B-town’s phone-tastic manners or the chronic lack of them
Khalid Mohamed (MUMBAI MIRROR; November 8, 2017)

Try, just try to get a star, superstar, or even a flash-in-the-pan on the smart-Alec’phone nowadays for an interview — what else? — and luck by chance, the call will be answered.

Mention the publication, website, TV channel or ahem, a book, and the answer will be the longest, creaky silence this side of a haunted haveli. Follow three alternative answers: “I’d love to. So how about early next year when my film’s up for release”, “You know my PR agency, they’ll fix it,” (they don’t), or an Oscar-worthy performance, with the dialogue quaking, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, the line’s bad, I’m in a non-network area. Bye.”

‘Phone manners in apna showbiz aren’t what they used to be. How could they be? Times and technology, they are a changin’. Imagepreservation is the key to famedom. Without exception, star-journo conversations must be all sugar, everything nice, please no spice.

Over time immemorial, I’ve detected a pattern in setting up these chatfests with the movietocracy. First of all, beg or borrow, you must possess the star’s unlisted phone number. Next, banish the thought of landlines, which are usually answered by angry young domestic helps, “Bola na madame.. and saheb..are having a bath..kya?.. separately or together?.. you saala halqat.” Receiver banged.

Once Helen would disguise her voice to apologise, “So sorry, madame not at home.” Rekha, legendary for her mimickry skills, would use a delicious Chettinad accent to claim that she wasn’t home either. Such out-of-body experiences.

As for the early millennium SMS route — archaic after the WhatsApp boom — you may be on the verge of being roasted for dinner by cannibals, but your msgs for emergency help always draw a blank. The only response you might evoke is from long-lost buddies: from Anupam Kher with a, “In FTII meeting now, call tomorrow” or Mahesh Bhatt with a, “When life gets hot..cool down said a wise sage.”

For the record, I’ll tell you my most horrifying and delightful phone experiences.

COOL CONNECTIONS

Alia Bhatt
Inconsistent albeit, but if she feels that a question is valid, will revert promptly. Just don’t pester her with whom she’s dating, breaking up or patching up with.

Lata Mangeshkar
The legendary voice can talk for an hour, with no interruptions, the way she did when I called her on the landline lately. No thorny questions evaded, no self-patting-on-the-back. For a scribe, elation guaranteed.

Amitabh Bachchan
This is a retrospective summation. Leave a message with the operator, and your call will be returned. If it is of any consequence, it doesn’t matter whether you’re a prince or a pauper. Bonus: AB’s voice sounds as fantastic as it does on the Dolby speakers.

Priyanka Chopra
I haven’t done a Q-and-A with her since her Miss India/World days, circa 2000. Unimpeachable fellow-journos assure me that she’s message-savvy, especially during the Diwali, Eid and X’mas seasons, not to forget birthday felicitations, explaining her goodwill in the sphere of international entertainment.

Rishi Kapoor
He picks up a cell-call within a ring, at most two. Prefers to talk face-to-face mercifully, is ready to confabulate at the appointed gong of the clock, and is as frank as his vast oeuvre of tweets.

Karan Johar
A message is never ignored, whichever hemisphere of the globe he may be in. His trademark terms of endearment are heart-shaped icons and exclamation marks.

Sonam Kapoor
Inboxed chat updates on Facebook, WhatsApp missives and Instagram pics are her forte. Wounded occasionally by titbits on the websites, her tweets set the record straight.

CRAMPED CONNECTIONS

Shah Rukh Khan
Media-foxy Super Duper Hero No. 1 for sure. Of late, he speaks only when he wants to in keeping with the prevalent B-town shibboleth. Huh, and I thought he was kinda different.

Saif Ali Khan
Allergic to ‘phoners. And I wouldn’t even dare to go into the why-why. Better for my peace of mind to deflect a tonguelashing. Or shiver my timbers, a chancy encounter at a finedine place which could culminate in a brawl.

Shraddha Kapoor
Ever since rumours spread about her proximity with Farhan Akhtar, a joke among newshounds goes that she hasn’t recharged her cell’s battery. Not suprisingly, she allots time only before her new film’s release. Such a strategy is self-defeating. Proof: the noshows of Rock On 2, OK Jaanu and Haseena Parkar.

Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and Sushmita Sen
They are the uncrowned queens of Miss No-Phone-Universe. Anyone who can touch base with them, at the first go, deserves to be feted with marigold garlands at a public function.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali
He’s off limits, except to those journalists who rave about his films unconditionally.

Arjun Kapoor
He can be rude to the point of not even acknowledging a call or a message. In this case, his loss entirely.

Sidharth Malhotra
He exudes goodfella bonhomie everywhere else but on the ‘phone. Presumably he’s wary of being misquoted, though he hasn’t faced that snafu yet. Maybe he wishes to keep it that way. Risky that in a business where every actor, magnum or minuscule, needs to be seen and heard.