Ho, Ho, Ho! Here’s what our bad Santa wants to gift these stars. He doesn’t have a naughty-or-nice list. But they’re sure getting something from us
DNA (December 25, 2016)

You’ve doubtless heard of ol’ jolly St Nicholas aka Santa Claus who leaves presents underneath the Christmas tree. And you’ve heard of The Grinch That Stole Christmas, too, we reckon! Well, this writer’s fav is the latter. Because, well, everybody’s getting stuff they want, not what they actually need. Well, here’s our list, we’ve checked it twice and we’re being naughty with everyone, so nice is out the window.

PS: Bura mat mano, we wish you a Grinch-y Christmas!

Amitabh Bachchan
More films with the letter P. Pink, Piku and Paa were all hits of some measure. This letter should work as a reminder that there’s no such thing as too much of a good thing.

Salman Khan
A book contract. While Big B and SRK have several books written on them. This Khan remains a mystery for all his fans. He can write an autobiogrpahy and talk about everything. From marriage to mentoring younger actors, and of course Being Human. He can teach us how to continue to do that when you want him to turn into a villian.

Kareena Kapoor Khan
She is getting a book of baby names, by popular demand. We know that the couple has frozen on Taimur Ali Khan This is in case, you know, she feels tempted to nickname him Tito.

Mallika Sherawat
Self-defense class. Working with Jackie Chan and not coming away with any self-defence tips after the shoot? The actress claimed she was burgled in Paris. Those karate chops and kicks would have come handy, no? Or maybe just a nanchacku would do... We’re just worried she might knock herself out with one of those.

Shahid Kapoor
An award. For being the Daddy Of The Year. And for successfully hiding the face of his first born from the media. He is always seen carrying her in his arms with a chaddar wrapped all around her face. we are not in ISIS land, no?

Shraddha Kapoor
A self-help book on how to be interesting like her closest rival Alia Bhatt. She needs to drop the guard and the Cinderella (or Bhagyashree) image and just be the normal 20-something girl that she is. And remind herself she isn’t in the Sridevi and Madhuri generation.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali
A time machine. So here’s the DeLorean from Back To The Future. Yeh baar-baar ka ateet mein jaana is becoming too much now, okay? Make a movie set in the present or the future. If we needed history lessons, we’d stick our noses in a text book.

Sooraj Pancholi
A zoo. And the keys to the zoo. Or a farmhouse. Those animals he has in his bungalow, can’t live there forever. They need more space. Maybe a farm house like his mentor Salman Khan.

Varun Dhawan
A mirror. Because he is constantly looking at them. Checking out his face and his abs. We will let him obsess on self-love so that he is done by the time 2017 is done.

Vidya Balan
A Viva Mayr session. If it can work wonders for Parineeti Chopra and Rani Mukherji Chopra, Balan has her work cut out for her. Or if that’s not du jour, she could try those instant weight loss pills everybody’s talking about!

Katrina Kaif
A universal card that gets her into clubs all over the world. Her ex celebrates breakups far often than one should. High time she did the same, let loose, burn the dancefloor (with The Breakup Song?) and let him know what he’s missing. And a better make-up artist, for sure.

Akshay Kumar
A virus. Send directly to his phone so we can find out where he hides all of his money. If he is indeed the richest actor in the country, we’d transfer some into our accounts.

Priyanka Chopra
A cloak of invisibility. For a break from the publicity blitz. She is everywhere. On billboards, red carpets, on stage for concerts, on talk shows and on the big screen. She needs to be in a vacay to a place where there are no cameras -- still or moving. She needs to slum it. Without having Paps following her everywhere. Hair in a bun and wearing a hoodie and stuffing her face with a hot dog or batata wada. without worrying about who is watching.

Ranbir Kapoor
A hit film. To put him in a good mood. He is perpetually in a bad mood. Perhaps it has to do with a broken relationship or a series of films that failed at the box office. But taking it out on the media is not the answer. Blaming print and digital media for writing unflattering things is not done. Learn from the Khans.

Hrithik Roshan
Sainthood. Duggu Baba ki jai ho! This actor has gone through so much because of this ‘alleged’ affair with an actress. There is no proof of this in any form. No pictures of an engament she claimed, or “sperm-stained panties.” But the poor actor has refrained from dissing her in public. No matter what the provocation. He deserves sainthood.

Kangana Ranaut
A pacifier. Or if we’re in a particularly foul mood, super glue. Damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. Open her mouth, that is. We will help her solve the problem. She can use the pacifier as an excuse and not comment on co-stars and lovers. Real or imagined.

Sunny Leone
A serious role. The girl wants to grow and all you’re giving her are item numbers. We know she’s doing what she’s best at. But surely, big-time producers ji, you could find some glorified cameos she could work in?

Sonam Kapoor
A trumpet, or a horn. Because she knows how to blow those instruments so well. Yes, we watched Neerja. Yes, we watched you do the hardest thing you’ve done in your career, but let others say it. Just because it works for your dad, doesn’t mean it will work for you, too.

Shah Rukh Khan
A handheld fan for one of his minions can carry around. SRK needs this to remind him that he has millions of them all over the world. Even if the film Fan didn’t work.

Ranveer Singh
A kilt if you’re feeling like a Braveheart. A lungi if you wanna show solidarity with Miss Marriage Material. Waise bhi, you’ve been there-done that with all other iterations of a drape.

Aamir Khan
Those shape-shifting inflatable balloons. To remind him that he can physically morph into whatever shape he wants (and make the rest of us seem like mere mortals, by comparison), but when the air escapes, Mr Perfectionist is just like us.