I am seriously messy (laughs). Look, I didn’t even set my hair for this interview. Besides, who are these super moms who know everything? I am very honest about the fact that I’m learning on the job. I did this with my career too. I believe that once you put the façade down and just surrender to the fact that we all are a work in progress, the energy changes. I still make mistakes with Nyra and Hans. I sometimes get angry, I shout. My husband just looks at me and mouths ‘calm parenting, conscious parenting’ and I am like ‘oh yeah, sorry!’. We can’t be the way our parents were. Things have changed so much. There is so much chatter on social media; so much perfect parenting. There are moms who claim they don’t give their kids any sugar or screen time. I find that hard to believe. I do everything in balance. I believe whatever is working for me right now is the right way. Motherhood is your journey, and you have to make it yours. I have made it mine and I am so glad. No regrets. Even if I keep making mistakes, I am not going to feel bad because that’s part of the journey.

Just like marriage, motherhood is also glamorized and portrayed to be something magical. When a woman is pregnant, everyone pampers her and then when she gives birth, the whole focus changes to the baby. The mother is expected to keep up with everything, be it breastfeeding, body fat or hormonal changes. I think that’s when postpartum really hits you hard. There are so many women out there who do not even know they are struggling with depression. But such feelings cannot be disregarded. Everybody is fighting his or her own battles. I respect people’s battles and that’s why postpartum needs to be spoken about. A mother needs to be told that “yes, however beautiful and amazing this phase of your life is supposed to be, you are allowed to take a step back and say, ‘I am overwhelmed’.” This luxury has to be allowed. I call this a ‘luxury’ because it is that in most houses. So, give it to your wife, give it to that mother, give it to your daughter-in-law, because she deserves it. I spoke about it because I was shocked. It took me a couple of months after Hans’ birth to even figure out that I was suffering from postpartum depression. What killed me is that when I actually started asking around, most people just shrugged it off saying it is “just the blues”. When I finally understood the condition, I started talking about it openly. When I gave birth to Nyra, I was better prepared. I knew what to do and how to combat it. Being open and truthful to yourself can really set you free.

I will be totally chilled. As a couple we are not into tattoos, but I have a mother-in-law whose arms are full of tattoos, so I am used to it. We have to accept our child’s wishes. Our parents were very pucca about how they wanted us to be and what was perceived in society as the correct way to be. As a new-age parent, I will allow my child to do what she wishes but I will educate her about what she is getting into. I will tell her what could go wrong but I will leave the decision to her. Stopping a kid does not work. Besides, I think with children of this generation, I want to be on their side. You have to walk a very fine line where you are that strict parent, but you are also their safe space. That’s necessary in this digital era where children are exposed to so much. I have started telling Hans whatever is happening around us; sometimes, the harsh realities of life. It is hard to do this but I have to because things are moving too fast. We (parents) can’t be naïve; we have to strike that balance.

Yeah, I think I’m still uncomfortable. I think that happened to all of us from that generation. But I never do that with Hans and Nyra. We usually stick to animated children’s films but if at all there is such a scene on screen, we just don’t react. I don’t want them to think this is so exciting because it is forbidden. The minute you say something is wrong or bad, kids will be like, ‘Whoa, what is this?’. I don’t expose them to something that I wouldn’t want them to be exposed to but at the same time, I’m not going to shield them from everything.

We, parents, can’t turn a blind eye. We have to be aware and alert, especially with cybercrime and so much stuff going around with children. If you’re giving an iPad to your child, especially YouTube, you have to be careful.

I am very open with my kids. I have spoken to Hans about everything under the sun and moon already. Children hear things in school and you want to clear it out for them. It is natural to be curious. I think both my kids are going to have that safe space with me, where it’s our space, it’s our time, where nothing that’s going to be discussed (between us) is going to be discussed with anybody else. I think today’s parents need to have that equation with their child. I will not ‘bro’ them to a point where they walk all over me, but they need that ‘bestie space’ where they can tell me whatever happens and they don’t feel judged.

Inclusivity is a word that I started using with Hans when he was just four or five. I explained to him that there are different people. And if he came across anybody that was special, he needs to make them feel even more special. Inclusivity and body positivity go hand in hand. When you are raising your child to be a child of the world, you have to prepare them. We already have years of discrimination based on skin colour and god knows what all behind us. We have to undo it in our generation.

I appreciate them a lot. I don’t clap and say “great job” but I say: “Nyra, I appreciate that you put your toys back.” It is just a conversation which is very subtle, but it encourages them to do the task. After they do it, I thank them and maybe even give them a high-five. When they feel like they did something grown up, they want to do it again. This kind of positive reinforcement totally works but not in a way where you are constantly commenting and annoying the child.

My husband (Akshai Varde) is on another level. He taught me how to put a diaper on Hans and he was the swaddle king. Besides breastfeeding, he was on for it all. When he is back from work, he takes over. He has done that from day one without making it look like he’s doing me a favour. We are a team. I know, it is rare. It comes with conversation. It comes with asking for help. It also comes with the man who is willing. I think when we glamorise men ‘helping out’, it is a start for them to realize that they should be doing it without it being looked upon as something special.

I got lucky. I have a mother-in-law who’s really cool and a lot of fun. She supports but does not interfere. Like if she sees me grinding almonds and putting it into the kids’ porridge, she may suggest something. But if I say ‘no, I prefer it this way,’ she respects that. I appreciate this. I know it is not the case in most houses.

They have never seen themselves on social media. I barely use my mobile when I am around them, and no one at home is supposed to show them the phone. We live a very protected life in Goa, literally away from the buzz. My kids go to a regular school. Sometimes, when people come up to them, they are surprised. Hans says, “Look mamma, that lady is smiling at me.” They just feel that a lot of people care for them (smiles). When people approach us in public places, I politely ask them not to mention any reels. There can be a lot of pressure on social media. You can’t let that reach your kids, and it’s worked for me till now. Even when I shoot videos with the kids, it is all very spontaneous and fun. I never say ‘beta, naach’. If we feel like dancing, we dance and I record it. We do it out of joy and masti, not because of any compulsion. We get a lot of advertisement offers too. But I don’t do all of them and I always give the kids a choice. Recently, Hans shot a lollipop commercial with me because he loves that lollipop.