Singer-actor Monica Dogra came out as pansexual last year via Instagram. Though she asserts she has “been telling this truth for many years”, people only took notice once her show The Married Woman started streaming. “It’s hard to love yourself if you don’t even know who you are,” says Dogra discerningly as we get down to chatting with her.

Her encounter with the Indian media about her sexuality was in 2016 when she did a crowdfunding campaign for the LGBTQIA+ community. While she had noble intentions, “a hate article” shoved her back into her shell. “My name was labelled as a joke,” she recalls, adding that the queer and indie music scenes “hated” her.

She continues, “I fell into darkest [phases of] depression. After that, I felt like I lost any expectation of having community support.” However, that ended up setting her free. Today, as she resides in Los Angeles, USA, she bares her soul for the first time, talking about her now-dissolved marriage and growing up as a confused queer girl. Excerpts:

I only ever heard the word some five or six years ago, and I thought, ‘Oh my gosh! That’s me!’ It was very black and white growing up. Either you were gay or you were straight. And if you were gay, you certainly weren’t accepted or celebrated.

When I was little, I was a tomboy some days and hyper-feminine on other days. I liked to express both sides of myself. I identified with girls who dressed very boyishly or queer boys who were very feminine and wore makeup. I never kissed a girl or had a full blown sexual experience with a girl until I was in college. Later, I felt I had fallen in love with a female who was masculine presenting. That really screwed with my head. Up until that point, I identified as straight. Suddenly, I had no idea who I was. I had a bit of an “aha!” moment when I thought maybe I’m bisexual. I still didn’t know what pansexuality meant. This was six-seven years ago. Soon, I came across verbiage around pansexuality, and now I think that’s the most real fit for me.

I’m from a very disjointed family. My mother and I were estranged for over 11 years. My father is mostly quiet. Even if I do share anything from the heart, he doesn’t really hear it. I was married to a man — a very gentle, kind, wise, and extremely understanding man. I had to tell him I felt an attraction for my co-star in a film I had acted in. He held my hands and understood me. We have gone our separate ways and chosen to dissolve our marriage. So, there was no “coming out” moment.

I remember when I first started showing signs of having breasts, I just wept, thinking my life was now over. I was molested by my cousins in India and touched inappropriately by a family friend in my sleep. I think I am just another story among many similar to mine. My biggest outlet for truth-telling and exploration has been my art.

I have never talked about my love life, out of superstition more than anything. Nazar na lage. But, I can say I’ve been lucky to experience profound love in this life.