Singer-actor Monica Dogra came out as pansexual last year via Instagram. Though she asserts she has “been telling this truth for many years”, people only took notice once her show The Married Woman started streaming. “It’s hard to love yourself if you don’t even know who you are,” says Dogra discerningly as we get down to chatting with her.

Her encounter with the Indian media about her sexuality was in 2016 when she did a crowdfunding campaign for the LGBTQIA+ community. While she had noble intentions, “a hate article” shoved her back into her shell. “My name was labelled as a joke,” she recalls, adding that the queer and indie music scenes “hated” her.

She continues, “I fell into darkest [phases of] depression. After that, I felt like I lost any expectation of having community support.” However, that ended up setting her free. Today, as she resides in Los Angeles, USA, she bares her soul for the first time, talking about her now-dissolved marriage and growing up as a confused queer girl. Excerpts:

I only ever heard the word some five or six years ago, and I thought, ‘Oh my gosh! That’s me!’ It was very black and white growing up. Either you were gay or you were straight. And if you were gay, you certainly weren’t accepted or celebrated.

When I was little, I was a tomboy some days and hyper-feminine on other days. I liked to express both sides of myself. I identified with girls who dressed very boyishly or queer boys who were very feminine and wore makeup. I never kissed a girl or had a full blown sexual experience with a girl until I was in college. Later, I felt I had fallen in love with a female who was masculine presenting. That really screwed with my head. Up until that point, I identified as straight. Suddenly, I had no idea who I was. I had a bit of an “aha!” moment when I thought maybe I’m bisexual. I still didn’t know what pansexuality meant. This was six-seven years ago. Soon, I came across verbiage around pansexuality, and now I think that’s the most real fit for me.

I’m from a very disjointed family. My mother and I were estranged for over 11 years. My father is mostly quiet. Even if I do share anything from the heart, he doesn’t really hear it. I was married to a man — a very gentle, kind, wise, and extremely understanding man. I had to tell him I felt an attraction for my co-star in a film I had acted in. He held my hands and understood me. We have gone our separate ways and chosen to dissolve our marriage. So, there was no “coming out” moment.

I remember when I first started showing signs of having breasts, I just wept, thinking my life was now over. I was molested by my cousins in India and touched inappropriately by a family friend in my sleep. I think I am just another story among many similar to mine. My biggest outlet for truth-telling and exploration has been my art.

I have never talked about my love life, out of superstition more than anything. Nazar na lage. But, I can say I’ve been lucky to experience profound love in this life.

Best known for her work in films such as Rock On (2008) and Dhobi Ghat (2011), actor Monica Dogra has been seen in acting projects intermittently. Dogra made her digital debut recently, with the web series, The Married Woman (TMW) and has been thrilled with the response. She says, “The reactions have been positive and warm. I feel like I am dreaming. I had been shooting another web show, Cartel, and when I was offered this part, I knew I had to take it up. There are so many similarities between my character and my real life. I am an artiste, have been estranged from my mum, grew up in a troubled home, have fallen with a Muslim guy and all of these things happened with my character, too.”

Talking about gaps between her acting projects, she explains that wasn’t planned. “Nothing kept me away from acting. I got many projects and then they didn’t happen. And I didn’t know why. I went through a lot of struggle. I was replaced in as many as six to seven projects and it was heartbreaking; especially as those projects became hits. It was difficult and hard. I am fortunate that I have my music to fall back on. Sometimes, I would think, why was it happening?”

After being part of a show that talks about women being bound by societal rules, ask her how empowered are Indian women today, and she says, “There is definitely a move towards more equality but as I say that, I know we have a long way to go. If you were to ask a room full of women between the ages of 15 to 70 years, 95% of those women will say that they have been subjected to some form of sexual violence, misogyny, patriarchy, inequality in families and at work. I do feel women are stepping up and being far more vocal than before, but it is not just a woman’s responsibility but the world’s. We need men to wake up and take up the fight. We need corporations and governments to work on things that make up for all the lost time and undo the damage.”

Dogra has finished writing an EP and an album, and has worked on her music which should be out this year, she says. Moreover, she is quite excited about the boom in Indian OTT content. “A lot of our web shows have gone on to win awards on global platforms, which is awesome. The content has allowed storytelling to go to the next level. It has allowed actors who didn’t get their due to position themselves better. It is an exciting time to be an actor,” she says.