On April 2, Malaika Arora was injured in a road accident when her car was caught in a three-vehicle pile-up as she was returning to Mumbai from Pune. While the accident completely shook her up, in a fortnight, she gathered herself and returned to shoot. In a chat with BT, Malaika talks about the day of the accident, life after it and also about what helped her get back on her feet. Excerpts:

That fateful night — I remember there was a lot of blood around me. My family, Arjun (Kapoor), and everyone had rushed in. It was after about a week that I saw myself in the mirror, finally. The scar was right there on my forehead — a stark reminder of what had happened, of the fragility of life. It wasn’t vanity that came over me at that time. Yes, vanity is crucial in this business, but it was the fact that this scar is a reminder which will stay where I will see it every day. Even though this scar will remind me of what happened, it won’t stop me from getting back to life. Sometimes, I still recall that night; I was praying for two things. I didn’t want to die that night, and I didn’t want to lose my eyesight. When the accident happened, I’m told I was constantly asking for my mother and my son Arhaan. I was mumbling about going back on set on Monday. The accident happened on a Saturday night. I didn’t go back on the Monday after the accident. But in 15 days, I did.

Initially, I was in a daze. I’d be smiling and talking, and I would repeat everything that had happened to people visiting me. I was on autopilot mode. But it wasn’t sinking in. The only time I would shudder was when I’d be alone, reliving those moments. It was beyond scary. In those 15 days after the trauma, I didn’t feel safe sitting in a car. I know this is temporary. Also, I didn’t want constant reminders. I just wanted to be left alone after a point. Initially, I didn’t know the extent of the injury, and I was in shock and couldn’t see clearly. There were shards of glass all over and tiny pieces had gone into my eyes.

The first day was scary. After two weeks of being in bed, I was on a busy set. I had to be careful not to hurt myself. But it was wonderful to see everyone being so loving and caring. I was nervous about getting back, but the moment the director said, ‘lights, camera, and action’, the adrenalin took over, and my body went into a different space. Of course, I had to remind myself not to overexert or jeopardise my health, but I was happy.

In times like this, there’s mental and physical recovery involved. I would say I am a strong person, and that is how I have always been. I feel perfectly fit physically, but my state of mind is still fragile. There is fear, worry and anxiety. It takes cajoling to get me out, anywhere. In fact, it took some cajoling to attend Ranbir Kapoor and Alia Bhatt’s wedding bash. More than being in the car, seeing so many people around the car threw me off my game. Now, the minute I sit in a car, I put on the seatbelt, even if I am sitting in the back seat. Until the accident, it hadn’t even crossed my mind that there was a seatbelt behind.

I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeves. Rarely, and only my near and dear ones, see the vulnerable side of me. I have my bouts of feeling low, but I have an inbuilt mechanism for lifting myself from that. I process everything, understand it and go through it completely to come out on the other side. I don’t use my work as my shield against my problems or push them under the carpet. But yes, work keeps me strong and focussed.

Every relationship has its process, its plans and what next and where next. The most essential part is if we know we want a future together. If you are in a relationship where you are still figuring things out and saying, ‘Oh, I don’t know’... that’s not where I stand in my relationship. It’s sacred and important to me. I feel we are at a place where we’re thinking of the where-next and what-next parts. We discuss things a lot. We’re on the same plane, with similar thoughts and ideas. We really get each other. We’re at a mature stage where there’s still room for more discoveries, but we’d love to see a future together and see where we can take it from here. We laugh and joke about it, but we’re damn serious, too. You have to feel positive and secure in your relationship. I am very happy and positive. Arjun gives me that confidence and surety, and it’s both ways. Yes, I don’t think we should be opening all the cards at once. We still love our life and romance together every single day. I always tell him that I want to grow old with you. We will figure out the rest, but I know he’s my man.