In a series of articles starting today, BT will give you an inside view of the life and journey of people from the film industry who are often perceived as ‘outsiders’. What are their aspirations, struggles, trials and triumphs? Let’s hear it from them...
Renuka Vyavahare (BOMBAY TIMES; June 18, 2020)

About a year ago, actress Aahana Kumra, in a heartfelt conversation with us, had spoken about the low and dark phase in her life. She had also admitted how it had let to thoughts of suicide.

Recalling that rough patch, the Lipstick Under My Burkha actress, who hails from Lucknow, said, “About five years ago, I was disillusioned by the culture of Bollywood, and there was no one to pull me out of it. I was on the verge of suicide, because this culture is normalised by certain people. I was losing my sanity in a bid to become a film heroine. I couldn’t live with who I was anymore, and I started questioning myself about who I had become. I was not what my parents expected me to be. It has taken a lot for me to come out of it.”

While the actress is now in a better place mentally, the professional struggle continues. However, Sushant Singh Rajput’s sudden death by suicide has completely shaken her up. “I didn’t know Sushant personally, but his death has given me a jolt. It gave me a reality check, and made me rethink my decision of becoming an actor,” she shared.

Elaborating on the current raging discussion on the ‘insider - outsider’ theory in Bollywood, she said, “In showbiz, you will be spoken to if you are successful. You start looking at yourself through their perception of you, and you don’t like what you see. You feel left out, so it’s good to have a life beyond films. In the past few days, I have read about so many people saying, ‘We will hear you’. Let me tell you, people don’t even respond to text messages if you ask them to watch your show, let alone appreciate it. There’s no acknowledgment and people blatantly look through you. I never get a call for the audition of a big film. I have made peace with the fact that they don’t know you, so they won’t call you. We don’t even get to know when the casting happens. Even outsiders don’t help outsiders once they become insiders. You have no help or guidance, and so, at some point, you are bound to feel lost. Today, I am doing roles that have some substance, but my chances of being a heroine in my 20s have gone.”

The actress cannot stress enough on the importance of having a solid support system. She explained, “If it wasn’t for my parents or college friends, I doubt I would have survived that phase. You do feel that they won’t understand you, they will judge you and the world is against you, but it’s not like that. Family will always stand by you. Talking to Naseeruddin Shah, who I consider as one of my mentors, also helped a lot.”

Aahana said that over time, she has distanced herself from people who were detrimental to her mental well-being and added to her anguish during the bad phase in her life. “I have no friends in the film industry. I have colleagues and it’s fine, it’s all very transactional. You don’t want to reach out, because not everyone is entitled to know about your life. In the time of crisis, I talk to people who I have grown up with. Even social media is a facade. It’s a place where you show your happy face to sell products. I started off with bitter experiences in my career and I have forgiven people who have wronged me. Huge expectations also lead to massive heartbreaks. What I have learnt is that, while you can speak your mind, you cannot talk without measuring your words. I also feel that we can be kinder to people than we usually are,” she concluded.