Actor Katrina Kaif on how she moved on from her previous relationship that got her in a dark place, and the importance of a father figure in one’s life
Jitesh Pillaai (TIMES LIFE; July 21, 2019)

Tell me about all the New Year resolutions that you’ve broken this year.
I genuinely didn’t make any New Year resolutions. The year before last I made a bunch of them. But the things I’d asked for, the things I’d wanted so desperately — which I don’t want anymore — didn’t happen.

You seem to have eased out a lot. Earlier, you seemed on the edge…
Maybe. A lot of things have changed for me personally and professionally. After my last relationship ended, I was forced to analyse many things about myself, my life, and the way I was living it. Whatever was supposed to happen, happened. Everything happens for a reason. I remember I was getting on a plane to Thailand. It was January and there was a repetitive thought going on in my head. When you get stuck on something, it’s deeply disturbing. It doesn’t leave you alone. I wondered how could something trouble you to this level? That phase made me read a lot. I wanted to understand how we human beings function. On one particular night, my attitude and approach to the world opened up again.

How?
It may sound far-fetched and crazy but I realised we have just one life, and one day we’re going to die. These two things are certain. I wanted to understand what one could do about it. If I wanna look slim, I can’t sit here and eat a pizza. I’ll have to go to the gym, pay attention to my diet. It’s the same with our emotions. Reading and yoga helped me. That doesn’t mean I’ve achieved a state, where nothing affects me. I still get upset. I still get emotional. People can still play with my feelings. I still hurt. But it doesn’t keep me down for long. A sense of trust has come in. It’s not from some spiritual, hokey pokey stuff. It’s logical and explanatory. The bottom line is that you shouldn’t believe every thought that comes to your mind.

How much has your family contributed to the change in you?
My mom (Suzanne Turquotte) has been involved in charitable work even before I was born. She was not around as much. So, we didn’t get that individual attention one normally receives from their parents. My mind was free to perceive and understand the world without any parental or outside influence. I was always a dreamer and procrastinator. I’d daydream about things I wanted to happen in life. I was always creating things. I was too young. If you have exposure, it teaches you not to keep yourself isolated from people. It teaches you the importance of being out there in the world.

Did you miss having a strong male influence considering your parents had separated?
Yeah. Not having a father figure creates a certain vacuum and makes any girl feel vulnerable. When I have kids, I want them to have both parents.

Can you recall an instance where you felt the vacuum the most?
Each time I’ve gone through something emotionally hard, I was compelled to reflect that it must be nice for those who have a strong fatherly support from a male figure, who loves you unconditionally.

Did you look for strong male figures in your relationships or even outside them – maybe in a friend or a director?
I don’t think I did that. People say you are lucky if you can count your true friends on your fingers. My trustworthy, inner circle of friends know me well. They understand where I’m coming from... my fears and insecurities. Of course, my parents being separated had a part to play.

Sometimes, people tend to lose their identity in a relationship. Did you ever go through that? What has your last relationship taught you?
I don’t have regrets about anything because that was also an experience, a journey. Had it been balanced, calm and stable, I wouldn’t have come to learn so many things. These are just wonderful experiences. I’ve gained a lot more maturity, more understanding. Now, I don’t have any fixed plan that this is how it has to go or this is how I have to be. I want to maintain this openness. I don’t want to burden the other person or carry any baggage. It’s important for people to maintain their identity, have their own goals in life, and protect the friendships they have.

So you’re saying your life revolved around your male companion?
We’re all responsible for how we behave. But I allowed myself to not maintain a balance in all areas of my life. That obviously doesn’t result in something healthy. Having said that, there’s no assurance that had I maintained a balance, the outcome would have been different. So, it doesn’t really matter.

How have you remained friends with your exes – Salman Khan or Ranbir Kapoor?
You have to respect anyone who has been in your life in the past. You’ve shared something with that person and you respect that. Also, holding on to past bitterness weighs you down. Life can be difficult enough. I’d rather go through the journey with a light backpack than a heavy suitcase of grudges and resentment. It ages you because your cells hold on to so many things.

So you’ve made your peace?
Some things can still be upsetting. But that’s fine. I face it. I stare at the ghost in the room until it just fades away. When something triggers an emotion, I let it happen. Like one day I came across something, which I kept pushing away. But it hurt me and bothered me. While I was doing yoga, my teacher asked, ‘Are you okay?’ I said I was fine. She said, ‘But you’re crying’. I had actually begun crying. It had to come out. Now, I don’t try to push things away. I stare at them. What you resist, persists.

Does age help in dealing with challenges?
Not age, it’s the experience that helps.

Did the failed relationship leave you cynical?
If you’re bitter and cynical, do you feel good about yourself? No. So why be so? It’s in your own interest not to be bitter. Either you allow someone to make a mess of your life or you believe you know better than the whole world. It’s your choice. It’s hard. I have to work on this actively every day. You don’t succeed every day. But isn’t it a nicer way to live with the trust that a force is watching over you, rather than wanting everything to be in your control?

Are you in a new relationship?
I am single.

You said you were single when you were dating Salman Khan, and later Ranbir Kapoor as well…
I did not.

Of course, you did…
(Laughs) We all make mistakes and I may not have been entirely honest. And my punishment is that when I’m telling the truth, no one believes me. I am single.

Do you consider marriage as a patriarchal concept?
Not at all. I believe marriage is a wonderful thing. Romance is wonderful too.

You also attended Deepika Padukone’s wedding
I wanted to. I’ve known Deepika ever since she walked her first fashion show. Deepika and Ranveer (Singh) had extended a wedding invitation to me. So I wanted to attend. I didn’t analyse anything. People analyse too much.

Because you two have history…
I don’t get all this at all. What does one gain out of it? Sitting on a mountain and holding on to what?

You are a less guarded person now…
Arrey dost, I have nothing to hide. Maybe, earlier I had to defend and protect. You felt like it’s you against the world. But I don’t feel like that anymore. Now I feel the world is with me.