Actor Divya Dutta talks about the agonizing grief of losing her mother, and what it taught her about herself and life
Nona Walia (TIMES LIFE; March 26, 2017)

What made you pen a part-biography on your mother?
I felt like celebrating her. That was part of my healing process after losing her. From the men in my life, to rejections at work ­ my mom knew it all. Writing about her came from within. She was my mother, best friend and then she became my daughter. There was so much I wanted to write about her. She believed in me, my dreams. She never judged my life. She loved me unconditionally. Even though I was good in studies, she allowed me to pursue my dreams. She stood with me every step in my life. She never pushed me into becoming a doctor. She was a wonderful single parent. Losing her was like losing my whole world.

How did you deal with your loss?
The grief was overwhelming. I was paralyzed. I know what Deepika (Padukone) meant when she spoke about depression. The last one year has been the toughest in my life. To heal, I knew I had to feel my life with her all over again, and the best way was to write all my memories with her. There were days I would just keep crying. In fact, I still cry almost everyday.

What have you learnt from her?
My mother was an Iron Woman. I'm a very sensitive person and she was my strength. She stood by my choice of career and my decision not to get married. She never complained that I didn't take the conventional path. She would express her emotions creatively; her outlet was poetry. There was nothing that she couldn't handle. I learned a lot from her ­ to believe in myself, help me find the voice within me.

What is happiness to you now?
I have changed. My whole worldview has changed. There's a new practical me that's taken over. I have learnt to take things as they come. You cannot plan life. I take each day as it comes. I don't fret over the small stuff anymore. But trust doesn't come easy. I'm learning to live again and making some new rules on how to be happy in the 'now'.

How do you handle drawbacks?
I've tried to develop a coping mechanism over time. Last month, I was shooting and I broke down in the vanity van. I called for the shot and I drowned in my work. There are days when life is a daze. My way of handling the bad in life is to: write, act, personally allow myself to feel deeply. My desire for personal strength is high at the moment. Everyday, I try to build on my personal strength. Basically, it involves training your mind; it's a continuous process.

Is there anything you'd like to change in 2017?
I want to be less sensitive and more chilled out. I want to be light-hearted. Life is too short to be serious. I also want to be more diplomatic.

Where are you right now professionally?
I have been lucky to get the freedom to do different things. You have to wait for what you deserve. I'm experimenting with a negative role in my next movie. I love discovering new layers within myself as an actor.

How do you see yourself evolving?
I've always been quite vulnerable, even childlike, some may say. I enjoy little things. Right now, I also want to focus on people around me who are the source of my strength.

How important are love and relationship in your life?
Very important. But you need a partner who understands you. I have dated men. You learn by trial and error. Marriage is over-estimated. If marriage happens, it is good, otherwise, you really need a good companion. And that can be someone who stands by you throughout your life.

The life lessons that you think are important...
Life moves in patterns. The patterns will keep repeating till you learn those lessons. I used to be sacred of change. It always disoriented me. Now, there are so many changes happening all around me, I have no option but to accept them. That's life. Keep changing and adapting. You have to learn to be a survivor. Life is a continuous journey, and it doesn't have a destination. Understanding that helps.