I feel like I am on a roller coaster in the dark. I have no idea where I’m going, what I’m doing. The toddler phase was so easy in comparison. You’re the voice of God. You can say nothing wrong. There has clearly been a departure from that luxury. I’m being a bit dramatic though (laughs). My daughter is actually a lovely child. The best thing about her is that she has been a lover of books from the day she could read. We lose her to books all the time. I think as kids grow, they feel the need for us to be invisible. We need to learn to step back. We may need to impose slightly stricter rules that may not be accepted with a lot of grace. But at the same time, your children need to know that they can talk to you about anything. My husband (filmmaker Danish Aslam) and I have told Alina that she never needs to lie to us. No matter how big a disaster she is in, the first call needs to be to us. We may be angry, we may yell, but we won’t let anger hold us back from rescuing her. Whatever she has done, we would have also done it. So, nothing’s going to shock us. I wish I was able to tell my parents certain things, but they were a different generation. We hope to be a little more accepting. I have maintained an open dialogue with her from the time she was little. My husband thinks I have unnecessary emotional chats with her which will bite me in the backside eventually.

I have had the opportunity to understand human behaviour thanks to courses in mental health, so it has motivated me to start having certain conversations with my daughter early on. I started acknowledging her feelings to help her navigate the emotional landscape. For example, initially I did not want Alina to witness arguments between me and my husband. But my studies made me realize that discord is a big part of relationships and life. You can’t shield kids and make them feel life is all rainbows and unicorns. Now, we don’t pretend that we are not having an issue. But we do deliberately make it a point to tell her that she is no way responsible for our argument and we should be handling the situation better as adults. And, we say sorry to her if we have hurt her feelings. Even if there is an argument between her and me, I make it a point to tell her that even if I am upset with her, my love for her will not lessen. All that we are doing when we are having an argument is defending our own point of view. People do that and it is okay. I think what’s amazing is that these days schools are also attuned to the children’s growth mentally and physically. Her school focuses on emotional learning too. But that also comes with the additional burden that now kids tend to use psychological jargon loosely. “Mamma, don’t trigger me” or “Don’t give me trauma”. I think a lot of older kids talk like that these days and this is a bit problematic because I think that this generation also needs to build resilience.

I think today’s parents have made parenting a huge project of their life. They want to give their child the most curated, well-rounded, enriched childhood. We are trying to do too much. I made that mistake initially. I wanted to be a super mom and do everything myself. I want to slap myself for that now. Parents should take all the help that’s available. Another thing I abhor is the involvement that parents have in schools these days. But today’s parents want to have a say in everything. They want to decide the school’s timetable. And, when some parent wants to step back, it is seen as not caring. I went to school when I was a kid; I don’t want to go to school now. My mother came to my school twice a year and that was fine. We pay hefty fees; we should let the school do their job.

We parents are also overcompensating for the lack of emotional upbringing we had. We are trying to shield our children from any kind of discomfort and trying to solve all their problems. And that is a huge problem. You have to let kids figure their way. And while it’s easy to just step in and handle things, the ability to step back and let her find her own way, even if she stumbles or breaks her heart, is important. Life does not treat any one with kid gloves. You are not going to be with your kids forever. You can’t take their exams for them, you can’t run their races for them, and you will not be able to hold their jobs for them. They’re going to have to do it. I once read that the proof of excellent parenting is your children functioning well in your absence. That’s something I aspire to do.

I don’t believe in the concept. It is nice to show patience to your child, but it is not always possible. Danish and I are not at all gentle parents. We tell her that if it was allowed, you’d get one or two on your backside. I’ve done multiple courses in trying to build patience. I have even done a course in Buddhism, but that hasn’t helped. Sometimes you lose it. And, that’s okay. I saw a TED talk by a child psychologist. She said, “You are allowed to lose your shit. You’re a human first, then a parent. Life is constantly happening around you. And, while the endeavour should be to stay calm and be patient, there will be days when life will get the better of you.” What needs to happen in that moment is that if you end up saying something unsavoury to your child, you have to apologize to your child for hurting their feelings and also do some repair work. When you say something harsh to your child that becomes the voice in their head. You need to extricate that before it gets embedded in their brain that “my mother is angry because I’m a bad child.” You have to explain to your child that you were angry because you did not handle your emotions better and that it is not the child’s fault.

Children like boundaries. I have asked my daughter many times if she would like me to pull back and stop telling her what to do. She was like, “No, you have to. You’re my mother. That’s your job.” I have also given her the liberty to tell me when I say something that hurts her feelings. I think parents need to get okay with this. Can you listen to your child saying you did this wrong? The ability to be criticized by your children and not take it personally is very important.

Nothing has motivated me to want to better myself than having a kid. When I delivered Alina, I decided to go into therapy because I wanted to be a good parent. I did not want to pass on my trauma to my child. I grew up with a mother who was immensely paranoid. She is still extremely fearful, and that was the one thing she implanted in me and my brother. I know that her fear came from a place of protection and desire to save us from pain and discomfort. But when it is not done in the right measure, it can almost become debilitating. I struggled to shed the fear. But I am grateful to her for giving us a crazy amount of confidence which is an irreplaceable asset. So, I wanted to assess what I want to take with me and what I want to leave behind as I embarked on the journey of parenting. Therapy helped me understand myself better and also sparked an interest in studying the human mind. I started doing some certificate courses out of curiosity during the pandemic and eventually pursued courses in arts-based therapy, Buddhist psychology and a teacher’s training course in mindfulness meditation from Oxford.

I think I will not emotionally blackmail my daughter (“I won’t love you if you…”) as some parents end up doing. I have told Alina that I will always love her, no matter what. She does not have to excel in class or do anything to be rewarded with our love. That is hers forever. Another thing I have learnt is to not take anything personally. I am trying to quell my ego. So, even if Alina says something hurtful in the heat of the moment, I don’t take it personally.

He has been a 50:50 partner from the first day and has been involved in every diaper change, every burp and sleepless night. And, yet I initially felt he was not doing enough. I think women end up expecting their husbands to feel the same way about parenting responsibilities as they do. Only after speaking to fellow moms, I realized that we can’t be the same. He is the father and I am the mother. We are two different parents. You have to let people reach their own journeys of parenting. My husband told me, “You be as deeply involved as you want. I have a different equation with her. I don’t want to be another mother to her. I want to be a father to her.” I wish we had these conversations more often in pregnancy circles so that everyone has the right expectations. Women go through so many bodily and hormonal changes. They experience guilt and even self-loathing — “Oh, why is my body looking different? My work is suffering…my social life is compromised.” We expect the world to pause, but that does not happen. Babies are born every minute.

Just be a happy person. Happy parents have happy kids. It’s literally that simple. Enjoy the moment with your kid, do goofy things, give lots of hugs, dance together, do craft. Most importantly, just let your kids be. Life will teach them things you will never be able to teach them. All you can do is equip them so they can learn the lessons when they come.

When I was expecting, Farida Jalal told me something I will never forget. She said that every day pray that “Mera bacha sabko dil aziz ho” ("My child should be loved by all”). I said that every day and I feel my daughter is receiving abundant love from all.

I think it is important for a parent to figure out who is planting that stress in the child. Ask yourself: “Am I giving my child that stress? Is the school planting stress? Is my child generally feeling stress around her peers?” If it is you, you have to check your own behaviour. Parents have to understand that no two children are the same. Some kids are outdoorsy, some are readers, some are musically inclined, some are emotionally intelligent and some are not. If your child shows an interest somewhere that is not the norm, you have to make them feel you are okay with it. Of course, I’d like my child to be a topper and ace every race. I need to tell her to aim for gold and then wherever she lands, it is okay. Do I want her to have a sleepless night because she did not get gold? No way. I am not saying one should not aspire to excel, but you have to accept your child’s strengths. Parents are often trying to learn a language, play a sport or excel at a musical instrument through their children. It’s unfair to kids. You had your chance at childhood. Don’t try to relive it through your children.

Children are meditative by nature. They have a way of focusing on one task for hours and that is meditation. The problem is that life corrupts them. There is such an onslaught of information that it overwhelms the tiny humans. Meditation should be inculcated in schools or at homes.

Raisin or chocolate meditation is a great tool for mindful eating as it engages all your senses. For children, it teaches them impulse control because you are given a piece of chocolate which you have to just look at, smell and lick, but you are not allowed to eat it. Everything in your brain starts to spark because you know what it tastes like. The instant desire is to pop it into our mouth, so it teaches kids to delay gratification. The world we live in is addicted to instant gratification; we don’t know how to wait for things to happen.