I couldn’t sleep that night. Not out of fear but the lack of it-Sandhya Mridul
8:36 AM
As told to Mohua Das (THE TIMES OF INDIA; October 14, 2018)
What I put out there wasn’t just on an impulse. In fact, I’d been thinking about it for almost a year now. But it didn’t feel like it was the right time yet or couldn’t dig deep enough to word it. I didn’t know if I trusted anyone, yet I knew it was time because there were platforms to do it now. I also felt that the onus was on a person like me to say and start something and be a part of this movement. While I realised it was my responsibility, I felt like a coward for not doing it. When Tanushree Dutta broke her silence, the conflict inside me seemed to grow and almost burst forth. At the same time, I was busy travelling and tried to push away the thoughts. I kept struggling with it because I wanted them to be my words from my heart and my truth. I didn’t want it to be a media circus or a publicity stunt.
When Vinta Nanda broke out with Alok Nath, I knew I had to do it. Not just for myself but to support her. So I sat for three nights and everything started pouring out, flashing inside my head so clearly, visuals of 20 years ago. My heart was pounding when I put it out there but in less than 15 minutes when I saw what it did, the catharsis started. Keeping it bottled inside myself for so many years changed me as a person. I wasn’t always a reticent, asocial person. But the incident made me a far more closed person than I actually am. It made me distrustful of signing a lot of work. I stopped going for parties and premieres until last year.
Now that it was out, it was almost something physically leaving my body. I couldn’t sleep that night. Not out of fear but the lack of it. Felt so much lighter in my stomach, and different physically. Of course, I had fears that I wouldn’t be believed but I had to rise above them to break patriarchy and the male dominant mindset. That’s what being brave is also about. When people ask, ‘Why didn’t they come out before?’ it’s because it is ingrained in women to tolerate anything and be lauded for their sahan shakti. We have been silenced for too long with trying to live up to that. Sahan shakti does not mean silence anymore and I’m happy that women have decided to show they have a voice because that was one of the biggest problems in our system too.
I’m just happy that everyone is speaking — women speaking for women, men speaking for women, women speaking of and for men — and I’m glad that I’m a link in this chain.
What I put out there wasn’t just on an impulse. In fact, I’d been thinking about it for almost a year now. But it didn’t feel like it was the right time yet or couldn’t dig deep enough to word it. I didn’t know if I trusted anyone, yet I knew it was time because there were platforms to do it now. I also felt that the onus was on a person like me to say and start something and be a part of this movement. While I realised it was my responsibility, I felt like a coward for not doing it. When Tanushree Dutta broke her silence, the conflict inside me seemed to grow and almost burst forth. At the same time, I was busy travelling and tried to push away the thoughts. I kept struggling with it because I wanted them to be my words from my heart and my truth. I didn’t want it to be a media circus or a publicity stunt.When Vinta Nanda broke out with Alok Nath, I knew I had to do it. Not just for myself but to support her. So I sat for three nights and everything started pouring out, flashing inside my head so clearly, visuals of 20 years ago. My heart was pounding when I put it out there but in less than 15 minutes when I saw what it did, the catharsis started. Keeping it bottled inside myself for so many years changed me as a person. I wasn’t always a reticent, asocial person. But the incident made me a far more closed person than I actually am. It made me distrustful of signing a lot of work. I stopped going for parties and premieres until last year.
Now that it was out, it was almost something physically leaving my body. I couldn’t sleep that night. Not out of fear but the lack of it. Felt so much lighter in my stomach, and different physically. Of course, I had fears that I wouldn’t be believed but I had to rise above them to break patriarchy and the male dominant mindset. That’s what being brave is also about. When people ask, ‘Why didn’t they come out before?’ it’s because it is ingrained in women to tolerate anything and be lauded for their sahan shakti. We have been silenced for too long with trying to live up to that. Sahan shakti does not mean silence anymore and I’m happy that women have decided to show they have a voice because that was one of the biggest problems in our system too.
I’m just happy that everyone is speaking — women speaking for women, men speaking for women, women speaking of and for men — and I’m glad that I’m a link in this chain.
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