Surekha Sikri, who plays a grandmother who treats her middle-aged son and daughter-in-law like errant teenagers when they get pregnant in Badhaai Ho, tells us about the power dynamics that can exist even in nuclear families
Rachana Dubey (BOMBAY TIMES; October 18, 2018)

As an artiste who has travelled across mediums and has won two National Awards for her performances in Tamas and Mammo, Surekha Sikri draws immense energy from the characters she plays on screen. Best remembered for playing Dadisa in Balika Vadhu, the actress will now be seen playing a grandmother and an inspiring mother-in-law in Junglee Pictures’ Badhaai Ho. She talks to us about the power-play between saas and bahu, the social stigma attached to bearing children at an age like 50, and why older couples don’t even talk about sex. Excerpts:

Badhaai Ho is about a couple having a baby when their children are old enough to have kids of their own. What was your reaction to the script? We heard that you were the first choice for the part...
I really liked what I heard. It was well-written and the language was flowing well. I agreed to the project immediately because it was so endearing. I found the character really appealing. I liked the way my character responds to situations and the way her feelings for her daughter-in-law change. There was a certain graph to the character which was interesting.

Many people refuse to seek a mother in their mothers-in-law. What do you think stops people from doing that?
There is a human element involved here. My character in the film recounts that it was her bahu and not her own children who looked after in sickness. She goes through a dual feeling – on one hand, she’s mad at her and on the other hand, she appreciates the daughter-in-law for looking after her. My character doesn’t tell her bahu about it almost till the end of the film. She just mentions it in passing.

Why is it so difficult for women bound in the saas-bahu relationship to appreciate each other in a household?
In case of the film, that’s my character. In real life, I think there are women who appreciate their bahus a lot, but everything depends on the personalities of the two women. Generally, the daughter-in-law is seen as someone who has taken over that space of affection and authority in the son’s life, which irritates mothers a lot. That is what makes them rivals. A gentleman had once told me that mother-in-law ko tab bura lagta hai jab ladke ki biwi uski maa ban jaati hai. It’s a deep feeling. The son finds a mother in his wife because while nurturing their children, she also nurtures him. The mother-in-law feels that she’s no longer needed. The thing is, as a society, we are dependent on each other, even if it’s a nuclear family. In the west, people move out of their homes at a young age and there are no expectations. It’s a different story here. The tussle between the women in a man’s life goes on. The idea of giving up authority to the bahu rankles the mother-in-law because women are not educated enough to stand up on their own feet and find something meaningful to do. That thought is slowly changing with more women getting educated.

Badhaai Ho also addresses an important issue – older couples having babies who are mocked at by their family and society. Why does that happen?
You know, it’s not their age, but the social standing of what they’ve done that gets under the scanner. Again, western countries are a lot more open to these things. Over generations, a perception has been built around elderly couples in Indian families. After a certain age, if they’re found indulging in sexual behaviour, and worse, having a pregnancy, it shocks people. This happens largely in middle-class India. I read in TOI about a couple from Bihar. The woman was 39 and the man a little older than her. At that age, they’d had grand kids and the woman got pregnant. The couple committed suicide because of the stigma that followed. They couldn’t bear the trauma of ‘log kya kahenge’. So these things happen for real. Even in Badhaai Ho, Gajraj Rao and Neena Gupta’s characters don’t plan the baby; it happens by chance. You will see that they are embarrassed about it initially, but they come to terms with it.

If we roll back in time, Indian joint families had women across age brackets becoming mothers around the same time. Saas-bahu, maabeti ikhatta maa banti thi, and that was not a stigma back then. What do you think has made having babies at 50 an embarrassment?
Those days, women got married at 12, and by 35, they had grandchildren, and yet, they hadn’t gone past their prime. So they could have babies. Gradually, middle class India was formed which is less forgiving about these things. But agar ho gaya toh ho gaya na? Kya hua ussme? I have seen families around me where people have aunts and uncles who are way younger than them. I think people will open up to the idea again, slowly. A few years ago, a situation like the one in Badhaai Ho would have shocked people way more. Gradually, youngsters are becoming cooler about these things. They’re handling relationships more maturely and they seem to understand that even their parents have a private life. In the meantime, couples need to accept the fact that whatever their age, they can indulge in sex, and it’s normal. They shouldn’t brush it under the carpet. They need to be more open about this. Most couples, after a certain age, don’t even talk about sex, which they shouldn’t do.

Junglee Pictures presents Badhaai Ho in association with Chrome Pictures. Produced by Vineet Jain, Aleya Sen, Hemant Bhandari and Amit Ravindernath Sharma, the film is co-produced by Priti Shahani.

Badhaai Ho releases today.