Renuka Vyavahare (BOMBAY TIMES; October 27, 2019)

Actor-turned-director Tannishtha Chatterjee is now the mother of a little girl. She always wanted to adopt a child, and she turned her dream into reality a few months ago. Given the sensitivity of the issue, the actress took her time to speak about it, also hoping that others, who harbour dreams of adopting a child, will be encouraged by her story. In a chat with BT, during which her three-year-old daughter accompanied her, Tannishtha opened up on various issues. She spoke candidly about motherhood as a single woman and why she was clear about bypassing marriage. Excerpts:

Our society often believes that the institution of marriage offers ‘stability and security’ to a woman. While that is subjective, as a single woman, how tough was it to overlook that, follow your heart and dive straight into motherhood?
I am not married, but I have a child now. I tell a lot of my male friends and exes that instead of adopting a guy, I preferred to adopt a child. I have been thinking about adopting since the time I was 16. I was clear from a very young age that I wanted to adopt. When you say these things as a teenager, people tend to dismiss it, saying, ‘Yeh toh sirf aisa bol rahi hai’. At that point, even I thought that I am being very uptight, and it’s about a social cause given that there are so many abandoned kids in our country. As I grew older, the thought of adoption not only stayed with me, but only became firmer. There’s this brilliant Japanese film called Like Father, Like Son (2013). It revolves around a couple who learns that their biological son was switched with another boy at birth. The parents are then faced with the difficult decision of choosing their biological son or the one they raised as their own. While watching the film, I realised that this ‘our child carries our genes’ thing is a very patriarchal idea. You don’t have to give birth to a child to be a mother. Even when you look at our culture, Krishna was raised by Yashoda and not his biological mother, Devaki. Over the years, this thought got affirmed in my head.

How easy or tough was the adoption process as a single woman?
She (daughter) came to me eight months ago. You don’t choose. Central Adoption Resource Authority (CARA) is a government organisation, and in the last few years, they have streamlined the process. It is not like getting a baby at a shopping mall. You can’t choose. This whole designer baby thing is not fair. Even when you have a biological child, you don’t know how the child is going to turn out. The only thing that you can suggest during adoption is the age bracket and gender of the child that you wish to adopt. I wanted to adopt a child of this age because older children often get left out. Most people prefer babies who are three-six months old as they want a clean slate. I chose that age bracket for a reason. I know so many single moms who have adopted children and CARA is, in fact, supportive of single women. Especially for the girl child, they prefer single women as they feel they are safer with women. I think my process was faster because of that. I jumped the queue and the entire process took about a year.

Is it true that being a part of the film Lion (2017), in which you played a cameo, helped you understand the process of adoption better?
When I was doing that film, I was nowhere close to realistically doing this thing. Director Garth Davis and Deepti Naval were doing research on this subject for her role in the film, and she shared many things related to it with me. We went to an orphanage in Kolkata during that film. I realised foreigners adopted a lot of older kids. Indian couples prefer adopting very young children. When I was shooting for Parched (2015), I went to an orphanage in Bhuj and I started sponsoring two kids there. All these things happened. That’s when I got to know the process and how one needs to go about it.

What was your parents’ reaction to this decision of yours?
Obviously, they had a few questions. Marriage was one; also, they told me that having a child is not a child’s play. They told me to think it over as it’s a lifelong commitment. My mother warned me and told me that I have always lived a teenager’s life and I haven’t taken responsibilities of raising a family, so this should not be something that I was temporarily excited about. They were apprehensive, but when I was sure about wanting to do this, they were supportive. It’s been eight months now, and it’s been a beautiful journey. Whoever is thinking of doing this, should just do it. I wasn’t sure if I should talk about it or not. On the one hand, it’s a very personal decision, so I didn’t want to make news out of it. I didn’t post anything about it on social media either. On the other hand, I want to reach out to those who want to do this and are privileged enough to take care of a child. I read a report in The Times of India a while ago, about couples who are opting not to have children owing to rising population and other crisis. I want to tell them, just adopt. A lot of them don’t want kids at all. Of course, that’s their choice and they are entitled to it, but I want them to just think once about adoption. Surrogacy, IVF —people do so many things to have their biological children. Give adoption a thought, too.

Your daughter is a little over three years. Do you think of talking to her about where she has come from, how you brought her home…and things like that?
She understands Bengali now and is really sharp. Now that she goes to an English school, she understands English as well, so I avoid using certain words in front of her. I spell the word adopt in front of her instead of saying it. Some orphanages believe that the children should know, so she knows that she has come from another place. That’s all she knows. She thinks I am the new mom as I picked her from the place where her biological parents dropped her off. Slowly that memory has faded. Now, she believes that I am the one who dropped her at that place, and I am the one who picked her up as well. As she grows older, she will start making sense of it on her own. It will never be a shock or a surprise for her. Another beautiful thing is that she has never asked me about her Dad. In the park one day, a little boy asked her why she doesn’t have a dad. She told him, “But you don’t have daadi and dada. I have them and mom.” These days, kids are so mature and adaptable. Their emotional maturity is amazing. As adults, we underestimate them.

The world is getting cynical. This step that you have taken makes it hopeful, isn’t it? To give a better life to someone…
A lot of people thought that I was being pessimistic for not wanting to give birth to children in this world. Environmentally, we are a disaster. Be it war or climate crisis, look at what we have done to our planet. Greta Thunberg (16-year-old Swedish teenage environmental activist) is speaking for all of us. Food is adulterated, oxygen is depleting. What are we leaving for our future generation? Why not help those who already exist? All of these things posed many questions. We are destroying the planet and there is no value for human life. Survival is the biggest challenge. A child brings so much love and beauty to your life. You can give the child a nice home. My child has adopted me and not the other way around; it was so organic.

There are challenges of raising a child as a single mom, especially when you are working in an industry that is so demanding and fast-paced, right?
I don’t want to compete with men, and I don’t want to be a man. I want to celebrate my femininity. But equality also means that I don’t need to be taken care of. I am an adult and I make my choices and live my life according to what suits my interests. Also, yes, your life does change after a child comes into your life. I can have friends over after she goes to sleep, but I rarely go out now and it’s all worth it.