Mohua Das (THE TIMES OF INDIA; June 15, 2020)

Mumbai: Social media — a space in which people build connections, shape their identity, and express themselves — has often been a reflection of actor Sushant Singh Rajput’s mind and myriad interests beyond his life as an actor — his love for his mother to his obsession with the cosmos and a long to-do list of unfinished goals.

Rajput would often take to social media to express what his mother meant to him and his last Instagram post was a poignant one where he wrote: “Blurred past evaporating from teardrops/ Unending dreams carving an arc of smile/ And a fleeting life, negotiating between the two-…Maa”— dedicated to his mother who passed away in 2002, when he was 16. Earlier the actor had shared a picture of a handwritten letter with a poem that he had penned for his mother.

The actor who owned a Meadelx600 telescope with a spectrometer that gave “a feel of a time machine”, one of his prized possessions, had a rare penchant for interstellar space and would often cite Einstein and Rene Descartes alongside pictures of celestial bodies revealing his fascination with the mysteries of the universe and the cosmic importance of ‘Om’. In fact, the actor had seen a rare upside to the lockdown—clearer skies that helped him spend hours spotting stars and planets otherwise difficult in the hazy skies.

The 34-year-old has also left behind an unfinished bucket list, that he had been compiling since last year with over 50 ‘dreams’ — a handwritten catalogue of activities — he wanted to achieve ranging from ‘Learn how to fly a plane’ and ‘Learn Morse Code’ to ‘Paint aurora borealis’ and ‘Teach Coding to visually impaired’.

Curiously, Rajput’s Twitter header is an image of Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘The Starry Night’, that the Dutch artist — known to have struggled with his own mental illness — had painted shortly before he took his own life in 1890.

In Rajput’s sudden death, there was much left unsaid, undone.

As told to Sanyukta Iyer (MUMBAI MIRROR; October 9, 2017)

I was in my first year of studying Mechanical Engineering at the Delhi College of Engineering (now known as the Delhi Technological University) and really wanted to buy myself a swanky sports bike. I had also enrolled for Shiamak Davar’s dance classes and wanted more money for advanced lessons. At the time, Shiamak had also wanted me to pursue theatre and asked me to train at Barry John’s acting academy, and for that too, I needed more money. So I started tutoring 12th standard students from my university and even though I was only a year senior I managed to get a bunch of students. Some of them wanted coaching for the higher secondary board examination, while others wanted guidance for their medical and engineering entrance exams. And it wasn’t a scam at all, this was serious tutoring, one-on-one long sessions, and, though I say this myself, I was a pretty good teacher!

I’d won the National Physics Olympiad and cleared around 11 engineering entrance exams. I mostly took physics and math classes. Eventually, I got a lot of students and made quite a lot of money to live out all my dreams.

In hindsight, I realise that even though I knew how to make my students understand differential equations, I was clueless about where to apply them in real life. It’s a redundant way of teaching, to tell students “how to think”. By 2005, I was fed up of studying engineering altogether. Around the same time, I was also picked up as one of the background dancers for the Filmfare Awards. I also performed in the cultural programme of the opening ceremony of the 2006 Commonwealth Games in Australia. And this opened new doors for me.

I always remember this one thing my mother told me — no matter what you choose to do in life, it’s important to complete your education. (Sushant’s mother passed away in 2002, when the actor was 15 years old). I would have liked to follow her advice but couldn’t. I didn’t wait to get my engineering degree and dropped out in the final year to pursue dancing and eventually, television and acting against everyone’s wishes.

It was not the safest decision to take but in retrospect, I can say that it was the right one for me. I am happy with my choice of vocation. Because of my personal journey, I believe that teaching students how to realise what they want to do, showing them “how to think” over “what to think” should be a crucial part of our education system. But some day, I’d also like to go back and get my degree.

Last year, during the promotional tour of M S Dhoni - The Untold Story, I was invited to IIT Bombay to give a motivational speech. That was a high! Years ago, I’d aspired to join IIT Delhi or Mumbai but didn’t score enough to get in. And yet, there I was speaking to the students. So I guess, life works in strange ways.

Today, I am an established actor, but I am continuing to take small steps in my own way with the ‘Sushant 4 Education’ programme for students. I hope to activate a strong sense of learning in young minds as I believe in the power of education. We have already provided round-the-clock counsellors to some schools to help students make the right career choice based on their strengths and aptitude. These sessions have begun in two city schools — St Elias High School and S S Sahney High School. In one school, we’ve also provided projectors so that teachers can use films and documentaries instead of only archaic textbooks.

Majority of the kids I want to cater to are first-generation learners. So the next step is to start a scholarship for students to travel overseas for a semester at an international school so that they get some much-needed exposure early on.

I’ve now moved from being the tutor who told students “what to think” to the actor who wants young minds to be free, to think and question. I want to inspire the kind of teaching they follow in a few medical schools in America. In some places, for example, a student will be asked what he or she enjoys studying about the most. If the answer is dinosaurs, everything from maths to chemistry will be taught using examples and theories related to the extinct species. These students don’t follow exam patterns like ours, and yet in their final grade 10 exams, 90 per cent are among the top 10 per cent rankers in the US. That’s exactly the kind of learning I want to inspire in our country too.

Shilpi Sampad (MID-DAY; May 20, 2017)

Sushant Singh Rajput may have dropped out of engineering college to pursue a career in showbiz, but the importance of academics isn’t lost on him. Two years ago, the actor started work on setting up a scholarship fund to help economically weaker students pursue higher education. Now, we hear, his plans are finally taking shape.

Says a source, “He comes from a middle class family and knows how expensive higher studies can be, especially for economically weaker students. He has been in discussion with his college friends, seniors and professors to launch a merit- based scholarship.”

To start with, the actor intends to sponsor the education of at least two deserving students every year, the source adds. Speaking to mid-day, Sushant says, “My mother would always tell me that basic education has a huge bearing on one’s thought process and decision making abilities. So, even if you get into a creative profession like acting, [academic] learning will open your mind to think analytically. This small initiative on my part will, hopefully, make a difference.”

Sushant Singh Rajput on how his craft helped him come out of his shell and understand himself
Sarita A Tanwar (DNA; May 18, 2017)

Sushant Singh Rajput is difficult to put in a box. He’s difficult to define. He is a contradiction in terms of what he says and what he tweets (more on that later). He says he likes staying at home and reading a book, rather than partying. But when he parties, he becomes the topic of conversation, the following morning. He is the guy who turned his back on the biggest studio of them all — Yash Raj Films. He walked out on his live-in girlfriend, just when he was on the threshold of big things; that could just have been a coincidence, but that wasn’t how he was perceived. There are whispers of him being arrogant and affected by success. So much was being said about him. But he wasn’t saying anything. It is time for Sushant to speak. Also, he has a release coming up — Raabta. He has been linked to his leading lady Kriti Sanon. There’s so much to ask him, I don’t know where to begin and I don’t want to do a typical Q&A. ‘Can we just chat?’ I ask. Sushant was ready to free-wheel it. So, we jump from his work ethic to love life, from travel plans to life goals.... back and forth over coffee and cookies (for me) and cigarettes (for him). Read on for excerpts from the tête-à-tête...

What is your mind space right now?
I was always future-obsessed. I think it comes from wanting to be in control and that’s why I plan everything. Or I used to. Not to take away from when I started performing... Whenever I used to perform, I used to forget about it but when I am not performing...

Like when you are not on set?
Yes, when I was not on set or stage or working, then I would think about what are the things I really wanted to happen. But that has changed in the last one-and-a-half years. I am just not concerned about what’s going to happen. Not in a reckless sort of a way, but I no longer look back or sit and plan for the future.

What brought that change?
The understanding that I am not in control most of the time. One has the solution (to a hypothetical problem), we tell ourselves it is the effect (of the problem), but manufacture the cause, to explain why it happens, giving one the illusion of being in control. I realised that and stopped. The only few parameters that one can actually control, is with all of us. We kind of overestimate the impact of anything that has to do with future. We think success would mean success and failure would mean failure. It is not like that.

It does in the film business, though. Things change every Friday...
That is what I am saying. There will be repercussions, but it won’t affect my state of mind. Monday onwards, you will know if you are getting a film that you were in talks for or not. Either way, I don’t get affected for too long. Whether my film is a hit or a miss, I move on in three days. I am just not concerned about what’s going to happen because I know no matter what, I will come back to the same state of mind on Monday. But I do want my producers to be happy and get the money.

How important are collections to you?
They are important for my producers, not for me. Like after M S Dhoni - The Untold Story released and did very well, I was supposed to shoot for a film which didn’t happen and I suddenly had five months of free time. I started getting offers from some very good filmmakers who I have been wanting to work with, but I didn’t find the script that engaging or exciting. So I decided to do a play and turned down the many millions I could have made with those movies, for like Rs 50,000 for the play.

And you were happy?
Yes! I realised I wasn’t sleeping when I began working on the play. Not because of any pressure or something, but because I was so excited. So this is what it is all about for me. If a film doesn’t work, I will be disappointed for a day, but I will go back and do theatre or something on TV, that is exciting and you can’t take away that state of mind from me.

This change happened after your split with Ankita Lokhande? That happened around the same time.
No. That was way before we split.

After Shah Rukh Khan, no TV actor has made it really big. Why do you think that is? Some of the biggest names of TV have been launched as big screen heroes...
They think a lot. And they don’t believe that it’s going to happen. These two are the main two reasons. Of course there are other factors. Like recently, somebody was telling me that TV actors are... well, they are used to fame and fans and they have a certain kind of expectation of how they should be treated and that becomes a problem. I remember a few years ago, when I’d just quit TV, I was performing for Miss India, and a very big producer walked up to me and said, ‘Achha, kya kar rahe ho?’ I said, ‘I am trying to do films or go to UCLA for a filmmaking course.’ He said to me, “You won’t get films, yeh TV actors ke novelty nahi hoti. They are over-exposed'... or something like that. So I think TV actors are also discouraged to think big and that is why it doesn’t happen. But I was reading about Roger Bannister, who in the 1950s clocked a mile in four minutes. It was a record. And the next year, 27 of them clocked a mile in four minutes. Nothing changed. Except that somebody did it, so I can too. Belief is a very important factor.

Speaking of beliefs... Are you single?
Single? Of course. And I think I will be single for a while now.

Why is that?
I’ve realised that a relationship requires a sort of commitment in terms of time and energy, which I don’t have at this point in time.

Don’t have or don’t want to give?
Probably don’t want to give.

Since you have come out of a long steady relationship, is this phase all about enjoying your singlehood?
More than enjoyment I guess, it’s about being slightly reckless. Like I went to Andaman for a week and I was not using my phone. I was loving that state of not being connected with anybody. I do these sorts of things. And I don’t think I could do that in a relationship...

Aren’t you worried that you will be labelled flighty when you do things like disappearing without anybody being able to reach you?
Of course, somebody else’s point of view it might seem like that. I feel it is high time where we start giving some room for spontaneity. We should learn not to care. I have tweeted about it a lot of times too, we should learn...

Speaking of your tweets. Why are they all profound and philosophical? I have to read them seven times to understand them.
Really?

Yes! I need to take three minutes and take a deep breath and then fathom.
That is what I want, I want your attention.

Why are they not normal like: Sitting in front of my window, or having tea, etc...
Okay, let’s see my last tweet (opens Twitter) See, my last tweet is: Uncertainty is intrinsic to the process of finding out what you don’t know.

See, my brain is already hurting...
(Smiles) All I am trying to say is that we should just embrace uncertainty.

Lovely. Then why not just say that?
True. I didn’t know my self-musings were being analysed and dissected. I must tell you that a leading publishing house has asked me to write, based on my self-musings.

Okay, then muse away. Pick one emotion to describe yourself.
Confused. I am still trying to figure out everything.

What? Relationships, career, life, people?
Just... I can’t make sense of anything. For the first 19 years of my life, I was acting to project a certain kind of a personality. Then I needed a break, I was like, ‘Okay, let’s be a different personality and get paid for it.’ That’s when I started acting. Also, because I could not communicate with people as me. When I started performing on stage, I was like don’t judge me because I am the character and I could easily hide behind characters and say what I want to say and seeing people react to that was liberating.

What do you mean you could not talk?
I was the youngest of five children in my family. I have four sisters and they would pamper me, but I didn’t know how to deal with people when I used to step out. They were not treating me same as I was treated at home. So, suddenly I was like, ‘Okay let’s not talk, but let’s ensure they acknowledge my existence’. So, I started reading a lot. I was a top scorer in my class and I convinced myself that I didn’t have to talk till the time Shiamak and Barry John happened. And then, I was like I was missing something — this feeling of being understood. One thing that I am sure of is that I like acting and no matter how much you pay me I will do it, I would rather pay and do it. Apart from this I can’t make sense of anything else.

How close are you to your family?
I was extremely close to my mother, I am very close to my sisters and my dad, but with mum it was something else and after I lost her something changed... I cannot put that in words but something happened and now I am not close to anybody. Not that I don’t talk to my sisters, but...

You don’t want anyone to become that important to you?
Yes, I am trying to push away everybody so that I don’t get that feeling again.

You mean attachment.
Probably that...

If you are pushing people away and you know why, would you consider talking to a professional about it?
It is not that I am... I am trying to justify what is happening. I might be wrong, but that connection can never happen again with anyone, that is for sure. Probably I am afraid or whatever. It cannot happen again.

Might happen with your child someday.
Probably, but seems unlikely. It is not that I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t see it happening.

Are you sleeping better now, last time we met you said two hours every night?
(Smiles) Yes, I have improved. It’s four hours now.

What keeps you up?
I don’t know, I just read books, the more I read the more I get to know...

But you are not staying awake to read books, you are reading books because you are awake, right?
Yes.

Is it angst?
No angst, nothing to prove to anybody...

Is it just thoughts running through your head then?
I can differentiate between things thinking about things that are important and not important. The thing is that I don’t think anything is important. I am not saying it in a very negative way. I really like what I do, but at the same time I don’t think that any one thing is more important than something else.. Everything is like not so important to me at least..

You sound like a spiritual guru.
But this is the truth. I get up, if I am reading a book or shooting for a film, or giving an interview or doing nothing, everything means the same to me. No one thing is more important than something else.

That’s trippy.
Yes... so there are hours when I can just sit here and read a book, when I can go out and make a lot of money...

So you say no to money?
I would say no, then forget I said no to an opportunity.

To make money is not important?
Money is not important. I am trying to make myself realise the importance of money because I never had it growing up. And when you don’t have it growing up, it stays with you. When you don’t have money, it means a lot. When you have it, it doesn’t mean much. Where I stay, is the best place and only when somebody asks me, I am reminded it is rented. I don’t own it.

No desires for a car or a house?
When I was in the fourth grade, I bought a blue Maserati miniature. I used to play with it, and I still have it. I got so used to owning that car, that I booked the big version. I waited for six months for it. From where I was coming from,I wanted it all — big house, big car, big bank balance. My aim was to make sure I have all these things. Then, in a very short span of time I had everything. I realised, I got bored of it. It is not that six months baad I got there. In a week, I am like, ‘Okay, I am done.’

As long as it doesn’t happen in your relationships it is fine.
Relationships are a completely different thing altogether. You cannot think about how to make it right. It is either right or it is not right, it is as simple as that.

Moving on, from denying being involved with Kriti, to now posing romantic pictures with her, you have come a long way.
Posing for romantic pictures? Ah, okay. I am promoting my film and I can’t help it. Part of promotions.

Doesn’t it cross your mind that the lovey-dovey picture will be about you two rather than the film?
Maybe. But in Raabta, for the first time I got to wear good outfits. I am only thinking about that right now. So this is the first time in a film that my producers, directors wanted me...

They didn’t let you wear good clothes during Dhoni promotions?
No, they didn’t. They were like these are the things that you got to do. Aur iss film mein, jo pehli cheez jo mujhe achchi lagi, aur bahut saari cheezein mujhe achchi lagi, woh first cheez jo strike ki woh ye thi ki you need to look good. And I was like wow. And second achhi cheez ye thi ki I could lip sync my songs. In all my previous films, the songs played in the background.

Raabta must have been a pleasant break from Dhoni and all those practice sessions?
No no. This was also heavy. But this is more prettier.

For a while it seemed like you had a bitter break-up, but your recent meeting with Ankita belies that.
I didn’t even think of meeting, forget about meeting. It has been 14 months that I have seen her. I don’t know where it is coming from.

Did you decide that you are going to stay away from each other?
Nothing was decided. Whatever it is, but it is pretty organic. It is happening on its own. This story, I don’t know where this is coming from. I haven’t met her. I don’t want to do it at this point in time because I think it is the correct thing to do. There was another story, that said I went in my Maserati and mentioned that we had ice cream, and then I came back and bashed the fans waiting at my gate for some reason. None of that happened. (laughs). I just thought of having an ice cream very honestly, but that’s it.

Your and Ankita’s fans want to see the two of you back together. Is that a possibility?
Probably, they would want me to. But like I said, I don’t think about the future that much.

Did you begin feeling like the bad guy in this break-up because everyone said you walked out after you became a star.
I was also reading those stories and they almost got me convinced that I was a bad guy. But I don’t want to justify if I was right or wrong. But it is unfortunate.

React to rumours that you have become arrogant. That you keep guards around you and don’t pose for pics with fans.
Not true. They ask for a picture, I stand, I smile and that’s it. Nothing happens to me. I feel neither happy or sad. I am somewhere else, probably. Yes, there are times when I really don’t want to talk.

Then what do you do?
Just smile and pose for the picture.

You haven’t mastered Salman Khan’s do-not-approach-me expression?
No. I will tell you why. Like I said, it was not his fault, but years ago, when I went to Shah Rukh Khan’s set as a fan, and I could not meet him, I felt really bad. So, I would never deliberately do that to anyone. The only reason I would turn down a fan is if I am getting late for something. I have this problem: I cannot get late for anything. No matter how important or not important my appointment, I will be there 10 minutes earlier. I will roam around in the area, but I won’t be late. So, if I am getting late and somebody asks me to take a picture I won’t stop for sure (laughs). No matter how sexy the girl is, I will not stop.

Do you have a 3am friend?
Yes, my sister. She stays in the US, so she is awake even when it is 3am here.

One person you would call to give you good advice?
My friend, Rohini.

The actor reveals how he's planning to turn into an astronaunt
Avinash Lohana (MUMBAI MIRROR; December 12, 2016)

Sushant Singh Rajput bares his heart and tells us about missing his mom and rues not spending enough time with her before her untimely death
Nayandeep Rakshit (DNA; November 24, 2016)

Sushant Singh Rajput’s mother isn’t around to bask in the success of her son, post-Dhoni. We asked him about his late mother, who he is otherwise quite reticent about. An emotional Sushant then shared the untold story of how her untimely death has affected him and the way he is these days....

Does it hurt you that your mother isn’t around to see your success?
It’s not that I miss her only when something good or bad happens to me. I wouldn’t lie but I am not incessantly thinking of her. I wish she was alive to see me succeed in life. I am sure she would have been really happy and proud of me. And maybe I would have been a different person than what I am now. The way I looked at things then and now, they are very different and I cannot go back to doing that. It’s unfortunate. But everything that used to excite me, doesn’t excite me that much now. I don’t know why. No relationship, no success, absolutely nothing... If she was alive, probably it wouldn’t concern her, but just because something has changed inside me, everything has become so insipid. It takes a lot out of me to force myself to get overly excited about things and probably this is the reason why I like acting so much. Because it helps me get away from myself.

Are you saying things would have been different were she alive?
(Cuts in) Would you believe if I said I didn’t cry when she died? I actually didn’t. At that point of time, I was thinking why I was not crying (gets emotional). Probably now when I look at it, we cry because there’s a strong sense of loss. And hence we cry at the thought of losing someone we love. I changed on realising that she was dead and no matter what I did, I wouldn’t have her back. It immediately changed so much inside me that I didn’t cry. I was a different person from that point onwards. And it will always stay with me. There’s something I will always regret.

Go on...
So, she would call me every day at around 7-7.30 pm. I was so pampered and I know that every mother pampers their kids, but this was so unconditional, that I cannot explain it. And it took a big, big piece of her when she allowed me to go away and study. She would be, ‘Don’t do anything but stay with me’. And she still allowed me to go. She would call me everyday and would try to pretend to be happy. I could sense all of it. On December 11, I got a call at 11.30 pm. I picked up and she was crying. I was like, ‘What is wrong, What happened?’ She said, ‘Nothing. Can you take out some time and come back?’ I told her, ‘No, abhi kaise hoga? I will come during Holi. Why do you want me to come now? I am okay’, etc. I asked her to stop crying. I was trying to be mature, but I could sense that I didn’t want to go back at that point of time. I knew she was missing me and wanted me around all the time, but I thought this was the right thing to do — to go home later. She just asked me to take care of myself. It felt odd. That was the last line my mom told me. Next day, she had a brain haemorrhage and she passed away. She was 40-something, fine before this suddenly happened.

Do you regret not going back?
I know that I could not have gone the next morning. But this thought of not going for so long when she wanted me to, has stayed with me. Now, there are times when people and sometimes you tell yourself that you should be happy because of these things but you are not happy. It’s like chasing a mirage. There’s a story I read of this guy who’s dying of thirst in a desert. He sees a mirage and runs towards it, only to find nothing. He sees another mirage a while later. He’s aware of his situation now, but he runs anyway because he’s dying. This is what we all are doing. We know that nothing can give one that sense of permanence and psychological security that one is craving for.

Upala KBR (DNA; January 20, 2016)


Sushant has been planning to do this for years and has now decided to take the plunge. He is considering the design and will soon finalise it.

Sushant confirms, “Lately, I have been missing my mother a lot. I was most attached to her. I lost her when I was very young (in Std 12). She used to always be worried about me, and pampered me a lot. I plan to get a tattoo with the word ‘Maa’ done on the back of my neck. At least, she will be with me in some way.”

Currently, the actor is completing the shoot on the biopic MS Dhoni after which he will start shooting for Dinesh Vijan’s directorial debut. Sushant plans to get his tattoo done before he begins the shoot of his new film.