Showing posts with label Rati Agnihotri mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rati Agnihotri mother. Show all posts
For all these years I hoped that Anil would change-Rati Agnihotri
8:10 AM
The living room of Rati Agnihotri's Worli penthouse tastefully furnished with Christian iconography and overlooking the Arabian Sea, is marked by quiet and a sense of calm. But as the reigning star of the 80s recounts in vivid detail the turbulent years of her marriage to architect Anil Virwani, you realise how deceptive the calm is. For, this room and this house is where the actress has suffered horrific domestic abuse.
Rati, star of hit films like Ek Duuje Ke Liye, Coolie and Tawaif, was at the top of her game when she met Virwani. After a swift courtship the two were married in 1985 and Rati quit the movie business to become a homemaker and mother.
Instances of her husband losing his cool and hitting her began in the initial years of the marriage and progressively became more frequent over 30 years. Each of those instances of beating that had her running around this penthouse like a terrified animal, trying to escape her husband's blows, is etched in her mind. Blows that were always strategically aimed, never at her face or at a body part that was visible. Her own cheerful demeanour in public helped keep up the facade of the normal happy family.
But later, after the arrival of the smartphone, she recorded photographic evidence. Mementos of her wrecked marriage.
'All these years I'd hoped... prayed... that he would change'
But earlier last month, on March 7, when her son, Tanuj, was away in Pune for a film shoot, her husband's rage left her cowering behind a wooden door, fearing for her life. "I thought to myself that I am a 54-year-old woman and I will progressively grow older and weaker and then one day I will die, beaten to death." There are no tears, no drama as she relates her ordeal. Just a stoic acceptance of a life-altering night. That afternoon, she realised that there was no looking back and decided to file for a divorce.
A week, later, on March 14, she drove to the police station and filed a complaint of domestic abuse. "I was all alone. My sister is in Poland and my mother, who suffered a brain stroke last year, lies paralysed in a hospital near Pune run by nuns. My son too was away, shooting. My best friend, Shaila, was in Chennai. The two household helps were new, just two and three weeks into the job. There was no one to turn to..."
The subsequent medical examination confirmed her narrative. The police formalities were over by 7 pm but she couldn't think of returning to the apartment that had been her "home" for all these years. A helpful person had her punctured tyre fixed, brought her idlis and a soft drink. Moved by the kindness, she began to weep. And then she drove four hours to her bungalow in Lonavala.
"Why did it take me so long to take this decision?" she pre-empts the question. "Well, I had certain priorities, the biggest being my son Tanuj. He was the reason I put up with all this pain for 30 years. I also believed in the sanctity of marriage... I believed in love. Anil was the man I had married despite the fact that my parents had never liked him. And like every girl I'd dreamt of a picture-perfect life with a husband who cared and provided for me. For all these years I'd hoped... prayed... that things would change, that he would change."
As she waited for him to change, she kept up the charade. To the world he was the epitome of a successful businessman with a beautiful trophy wife who laughed and chatted and exuded positive energy. "There were times when I would tell myself I didn't have to smile so much, that it was all right to shed a tear sometimes, to frown occasionally, but I never did," she sighs, admitting that one of the things she's always longed to do was to laugh out long and loud. "Befikar laughter, without that niggling thought at the back of my head that something bad would eventually follow the happiness."
In 2000, as the money dried up, she quietly returned to work. "I've tried to live my life normally," she says, rubbishing rumours of her being a depressive. "He's the one who's shut himself up at home. I've always been accessible except for these last few weeks and that was because I needed time to think. But that doesn't give anyone reason to judge me."
In her darkest hour, her son, the reason she stayed on in the abusive relationship, and her dogs were her solace but now, at 54, she is looking at rebuilding her life with the same resilience that saw her putting in long hours on film sets when she was 16.
While still haunted by the past, she says she will be fair to the man who is her son's father, ensure that he's comfortable all his life. And then she will take a vacation to Alaska with her son, sister and friend. "Though for now, all I want is a massage. A good two-hour, de-stressing massage, for all the broken bones."
I'm proud that I may be an example to women who may be undergoing this-Rati Agnihotri
8:07 AM
Priya Gupta (BOMBAY TIMES; April 2, 2015)
Rati Agnihotri, 54, has
completed 37 years in the film industry She recently surprised
everyone when she filed a complaint of
.domestic violence against her husband of over 30 years, Anil
Virwani. While Rati so far chose not to speak, sitting in her plush top
floor apartment in Worli, she opens up for the first time to Bombay
Times to tell us her side of the story. Excerpts.
You have not spoken to any media.What makes you speak to us?
I would have sooner or later spoken about it and would have spoken to only you about it, but given the reports that have come out, I have no choice but to speak now.
You have been married for over 30 years. What made you take so long to go to the police?
I was not delaying deliberately, but was thinking of how to approach it. When I came out of the police station, I was shocked to see so many reporters there and wondered who had called them. I don't have a PR machinery. I am a single person representing myself, being my own voice, being my own strength. I did not go to the press, I just went to the police station. I know this is the price one has to pay for being a celebrity. But it's my life. I am not sitting for people to judge why now and why not then? I want my life back. Is that wrong? I know what my priorities are. I know what my priorities have been. All these years, it's not that I lacked the strength. It is just that I had the focus to not disturb my son.
Why did you choose to go away from Mumbai after filing the complaint?
I went away for a few days to Lonavala to my farmhouse. My father passed away before I got married. My mom is 80 years of age and lives in Pune. About 10 months ago, she had a brain stroke and she is in the last lap of her life. My elder sister lives in Poland past 39 years, so I have no support system here. Apart from my own home, I also look after my mother and her home. After filing the complaint with the police, I was really scared to come back here. It took me a few days to get the courage to come back and do what I have to do. And to also rethink as it's a huge decision, given my marriage of 30 years. Does marriage really mean that you are sold to a person? Is it so tough to get your life back? I wanted to take this step elegantly, but if that's not possible, then so be it.
What made you take the decision finally to make the complaint?
What made me decide to go ahead and do what I had to do was not just an event or a few events. It is due to the collective events of almost as long as my marriage, starting with small small things and I realised that this is really not going anywhere. I have made a lot of adjustments, but it was not acceptable to me anymore. It was abuse in every form, a lot of beating, a lot of mental, emotional and financial abuse. I now want to live. Don't I have the right to live happily? I want to do lots of good work. I want to change my priorities. Tanuj being my most important priority. He has always been a very good son and I do respect him in any capacity that he may wish to talk, speak or take decisions for himself given the situation. I know how unconditionally his love has been for me. The only only reason for me to have gone through this is Tanuj. I put this in the past tense as for me, it is the past tense now. He is and will always remain my son and he told me, 'Mom, get a life. Do whatever makes you happy. Don't live for me anymore.' That has just set me free. Tanuj is also having to cope with a lot of uncalled for things. It's a very small family. Just three of us live here.
Why did Tanuj not intervene three weeks back when this incident occurred?
That day and for the past many years, he has not been around when my husband has beaten me. Tanuj has either been out or been upstairs, where you can't listen to what is happening downstairs where my husband and I live. We have a pretty large home. When this incident happened three weeks back, one staff was two just weeks old and one staff was not even a month old and they were sleeping in the other end of the house. The door is shut between where the servants were and where my husband and I were. There is a planning, a thought process, and there is clearly a pattern and I don't even want to judge it anymore. I took it and the reasons were my own. Even if I say today that I took it for my child or that because I don't have any immediate family to go to. My sister had told me 20 years ago, 'Walk out'. My closest friend told me walk out, what am I doing in this sick environment, but I didn't. I had my own reasons. I have to now stop being this ever-so-responsible person.
Did you hit your husband back?
I don't have any strength left. I am older. Initially, I would be able to protect myself, but now I am not able to. I realise that age is something and I needed to take this step.
Do you love your husband now?
I used to when I got married. But not for the past many years. We have been living in two different parts of the house. He is the father of my son and I tried my best not to break up the family.
Are you both on talking terms after the complaint? Has there been any incident again?
No. How would he dare touch me now? Would I not take it up strongly with the cops then? It's not going down well with me anymore. I don't want any emotion to get the better of me now as I wasted enough of my years.
Has he apologised for that night?
There is no conversation and it is better that he does not cross my path now for the interest of everybody. It is my house. Financially, I have always been independent. Financially, I want to know who is dependent on whom?
Who is your emotional anchor?
My son Tanuj to a point. At this point, I am not letting emotions get the better of me as it is a wasted emotion. I am trying, though it's really hard.I am being practical.
Don't you have to prove domestic violence to the authorities, for instance show bruises etc. to them?
The authorities have all the proof and I know that I am not misusing it.
Your plan for the future?
Lots of good work. I am so happy to be playing Akshay Kumar's mother in Singh Is Bliing. I am so passionate about films. Slowly and surely, all this will be the past. I am looking forward to a beautiful, calm, peaceful and happy life, where I can do the things I had stopped doing last 30 years. I just want to keep myself as priority now. I had become very introverted due to this and had faced a lot of humiliation. I had started losing my self-respect, which the intelligence in my mind didn't allow.
My own mind was questioning my own actions. I have been an achiever from the age of 10. But I gave up everything to get married at 23. The world has loved me so much, why can't I love myself ? Actually, I am also very proud of myself that I could have the strength and the courage to tolerate this for 30 years. People could have run away in a month. I am a happy, gregarious person, who loves to laugh and giggle. I like to do a lot of masti and have fun.
After filing the complaint, is it not uncomfortable for you and your husband to be living in the same house?
It is very, very uncomfortable. Right now also, am I safe? I live in a home where most of the doors are glass. I have just one bedroom where I have been residing for many years, which has a wooden door. How safe am I to even exit from here and go out? I have told the authorities and the only reason that there has been a go slow is that there are certain things I need to discuss with Tanuj. It is now unacceptable for me any longer. I was giving Tanuj the space to think as he has just come back from an outdoor and there has been such a huge mess in his head. But my decision is inevitable. It is a taken decision. I look forward to living my life alone now. I have been independently running everyone's needs. Now I will be just looking after the needs of my son in the capacity of a mother, which will definitely never change. I have ample communication with him and we still have great times. Even last night till 1.30-2, we were joking and laughing sitting on my bed. He came down and I heard sounds in the kitchen and I came out and he had made the most delicious lobsters. He got his khana, sat on my bed and I was eating from his plate and it was really yummy. I am aware of everything happening in his life and he is aware of every step that I am taking and everything that is happening in my life. I have been telling him for very many years that I would go to the police and I told him even this time when I went.
Do you feel embarrassed as a celebrity since your personal issue is now public?
I don't feel embarrassed as I have not done anything wrong. In fact, I feel very proud of what I have done. I took that step and may in the future, be an example to many women who may be undergoing this. But let me just say that in this whole thing, I don't want to hurt anybody, it is my passage of extremely tough times. I just hope, pray, wish and request all of you to hold me and take me to the natural end and truth. I am in a very dark tunnel, but I know that there will be a light at the end of it.
You have not spoken to any media.What makes you speak to us?
I would have sooner or later spoken about it and would have spoken to only you about it, but given the reports that have come out, I have no choice but to speak now.
You have been married for over 30 years. What made you take so long to go to the police?
I was not delaying deliberately, but was thinking of how to approach it. When I came out of the police station, I was shocked to see so many reporters there and wondered who had called them. I don't have a PR machinery. I am a single person representing myself, being my own voice, being my own strength. I did not go to the press, I just went to the police station. I know this is the price one has to pay for being a celebrity. But it's my life. I am not sitting for people to judge why now and why not then? I want my life back. Is that wrong? I know what my priorities are. I know what my priorities have been. All these years, it's not that I lacked the strength. It is just that I had the focus to not disturb my son.
Why did you choose to go away from Mumbai after filing the complaint?
I went away for a few days to Lonavala to my farmhouse. My father passed away before I got married. My mom is 80 years of age and lives in Pune. About 10 months ago, she had a brain stroke and she is in the last lap of her life. My elder sister lives in Poland past 39 years, so I have no support system here. Apart from my own home, I also look after my mother and her home. After filing the complaint with the police, I was really scared to come back here. It took me a few days to get the courage to come back and do what I have to do. And to also rethink as it's a huge decision, given my marriage of 30 years. Does marriage really mean that you are sold to a person? Is it so tough to get your life back? I wanted to take this step elegantly, but if that's not possible, then so be it.
What made you take the decision finally to make the complaint?
What made me decide to go ahead and do what I had to do was not just an event or a few events. It is due to the collective events of almost as long as my marriage, starting with small small things and I realised that this is really not going anywhere. I have made a lot of adjustments, but it was not acceptable to me anymore. It was abuse in every form, a lot of beating, a lot of mental, emotional and financial abuse. I now want to live. Don't I have the right to live happily? I want to do lots of good work. I want to change my priorities. Tanuj being my most important priority. He has always been a very good son and I do respect him in any capacity that he may wish to talk, speak or take decisions for himself given the situation. I know how unconditionally his love has been for me. The only only reason for me to have gone through this is Tanuj. I put this in the past tense as for me, it is the past tense now. He is and will always remain my son and he told me, 'Mom, get a life. Do whatever makes you happy. Don't live for me anymore.' That has just set me free. Tanuj is also having to cope with a lot of uncalled for things. It's a very small family. Just three of us live here.
Why did Tanuj not intervene three weeks back when this incident occurred?
That day and for the past many years, he has not been around when my husband has beaten me. Tanuj has either been out or been upstairs, where you can't listen to what is happening downstairs where my husband and I live. We have a pretty large home. When this incident happened three weeks back, one staff was two just weeks old and one staff was not even a month old and they were sleeping in the other end of the house. The door is shut between where the servants were and where my husband and I were. There is a planning, a thought process, and there is clearly a pattern and I don't even want to judge it anymore. I took it and the reasons were my own. Even if I say today that I took it for my child or that because I don't have any immediate family to go to. My sister had told me 20 years ago, 'Walk out'. My closest friend told me walk out, what am I doing in this sick environment, but I didn't. I had my own reasons. I have to now stop being this ever-so-responsible person.
Did you hit your husband back?
I don't have any strength left. I am older. Initially, I would be able to protect myself, but now I am not able to. I realise that age is something and I needed to take this step.
Do you love your husband now?
I used to when I got married. But not for the past many years. We have been living in two different parts of the house. He is the father of my son and I tried my best not to break up the family.
Are you both on talking terms after the complaint? Has there been any incident again?
No. How would he dare touch me now? Would I not take it up strongly with the cops then? It's not going down well with me anymore. I don't want any emotion to get the better of me now as I wasted enough of my years.
Has he apologised for that night?
There is no conversation and it is better that he does not cross my path now for the interest of everybody. It is my house. Financially, I have always been independent. Financially, I want to know who is dependent on whom?
Who is your emotional anchor?
My son Tanuj to a point. At this point, I am not letting emotions get the better of me as it is a wasted emotion. I am trying, though it's really hard.I am being practical.
Don't you have to prove domestic violence to the authorities, for instance show bruises etc. to them?
The authorities have all the proof and I know that I am not misusing it.
Your plan for the future?
Lots of good work. I am so happy to be playing Akshay Kumar's mother in Singh Is Bliing. I am so passionate about films. Slowly and surely, all this will be the past. I am looking forward to a beautiful, calm, peaceful and happy life, where I can do the things I had stopped doing last 30 years. I just want to keep myself as priority now. I had become very introverted due to this and had faced a lot of humiliation. I had started losing my self-respect, which the intelligence in my mind didn't allow.
My own mind was questioning my own actions. I have been an achiever from the age of 10. But I gave up everything to get married at 23. The world has loved me so much, why can't I love myself ? Actually, I am also very proud of myself that I could have the strength and the courage to tolerate this for 30 years. People could have run away in a month. I am a happy, gregarious person, who loves to laugh and giggle. I like to do a lot of masti and have fun.
After filing the complaint, is it not uncomfortable for you and your husband to be living in the same house?
It is very, very uncomfortable. Right now also, am I safe? I live in a home where most of the doors are glass. I have just one bedroom where I have been residing for many years, which has a wooden door. How safe am I to even exit from here and go out? I have told the authorities and the only reason that there has been a go slow is that there are certain things I need to discuss with Tanuj. It is now unacceptable for me any longer. I was giving Tanuj the space to think as he has just come back from an outdoor and there has been such a huge mess in his head. But my decision is inevitable. It is a taken decision. I look forward to living my life alone now. I have been independently running everyone's needs. Now I will be just looking after the needs of my son in the capacity of a mother, which will definitely never change. I have ample communication with him and we still have great times. Even last night till 1.30-2, we were joking and laughing sitting on my bed. He came down and I heard sounds in the kitchen and I came out and he had made the most delicious lobsters. He got his khana, sat on my bed and I was eating from his plate and it was really yummy. I am aware of everything happening in his life and he is aware of every step that I am taking and everything that is happening in my life. I have been telling him for very many years that I would go to the police and I told him even this time when I went.
Do you feel embarrassed as a celebrity since your personal issue is now public?
I don't feel embarrassed as I have not done anything wrong. In fact, I feel very proud of what I have done. I took that step and may in the future, be an example to many women who may be undergoing this. But let me just say that in this whole thing, I don't want to hurt anybody, it is my passage of extremely tough times. I just hope, pray, wish and request all of you to hold me and take me to the natural end and truth. I am in a very dark tunnel, but I know that there will be a light at the end of it.
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