There’s a lot of buzz - that’s the first impression you get when you enter the Irani home. Brothers Danesh and Kayoze are having an animated conversation with their father Boman Irani, about who among them is the best at video-game soccer, and mumma Zenobia is having a hearty laugh as the three men continue their banter. It takes us a moment to realise that the brothers are referring to their father when they keep calling him ‘Boms’.

Boman is quick to clarify that even though they call each other by quirky nicknames, it doesn’t mean they have any less respect for each other.“We are one boisterous family - we talk, laugh, eat ,and celebrate together,” says the actor, as he tells us about his equation with his sons.

“It is not that this home is devoid of friction and arguments, but they happen in a healthy way. Everyone should have their own views; otherwise, it will be a boring house,” he shares.

Today, the Irani household is predominantly male, a stark contrast to Boman’s upbringing where he was surrounded by his mother and three sisters. He says, “We pick on Zenobia (his wife) a lot. Jokes aside, she is the main force that holds everything together. Let’s make no mistake about it.”

The actor’s father passed away six months before he was born. He was raised by a single mom, did that influence his approach to fatherhood? “My understanding of fatherhood is shaped by what my mother showed me. I don’t have clear references for what fatherhood is supposed to be. I think it’s instinctive. Just when I thought I had it all figured out after Danesh, Kayoze came along, and it wasn’t the same pattern because they have different personalities. In trying to get the upbringing right, you can either be too lenient or too harsh. I have aimed for a mid-level intensity,” he replies.

Although Danesh and Kayoze live separately, they are regular at their parents’ house. Actor-director, Kayoze says, “We both (brothers) love to come home to spend time with our parents, it never feels like a duty. We sit in the living room, chat, have dinner together, and play video-game soccer. We share our emotions and feelings quite openly in this house. We don’t leave this house without telling everyone, ‘I love you’. Mom has a rule that no one is allowed to leave the house angry. If there is an argument, we resolve it the same night. It’s a part of who we are. Friendship is the first relationship we share with parents.”

Years before Boman entered showbiz, the family struggled to make ends meet. However, they never let their children feel the pinch. Danesh, who is involved in film production and content creation, shares, “Things haven’t really changed much since those days. It’s just that when we got things, we truly appreciated their value. There was a phase when we weren’t financially very comfortable, but we never felt it because we laughed our way through it.”

Boman adds, “The only way to go about life is to make each other laugh.”

Boman stresses the importance of a strong value system over anything else. He says, “Zenobia and I follow one principle: You can’t tell people what to do. You have to lead by example, and they will follow. Of course, I am happy when someone says, ‘Oh, your son has made a great film’, but how they treated people while making it is more important to me. The trust and respect you earn are the true legacy, not your bank balance.”

The other day I met a girl at the airport and she asked me for advice. She wanted to get into scriptwriting and was asking me how to go about it. I told her “Go the long haul. Invest time and effort in getting an education. Go back to the drawing board and pay your dues.” I learnt very early in life the importance of paying your dues.

After passing from school, I went to the Taj Hotel to get a job as a waiter. A Parsi gentleman Sam Bhada interviewed me. He asked me, “What kind of job do you want?” I replied in style, “Food and beverage.” He said, “Idiot, the whole hotel industry is about food and beverage. Which department do you want to work in?” I replied, “Rendezvous”. He snorted, “Rendezvous, the French restaurant, right at the top. Go to the basement. Start with room service.” He taught me a lesson for life — PAY YOUR DUES. I started with room service and worked my way to the top. Ultimately, I reached ‘Rendezvous.’

Einstein has said that every child is a genius. However, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, the child will always think of himself to be dumb. I was not good at math in school. I did not have a head for numbers. That part of my brain was not working at all. However, the other part of my brain was working overtime. I knew more about cinema as a kid than Steven Spielberg knew as a kid. That gave me a lot of confidence. I took solace in the movies, and read about directors, from Hitchcock to K Asif. As a child, I was crazy about the movies. I became a student of cinema.

I have seen the movie ‘Funny Girl’ 42 times. The usher at the cinema hall would tell me, “Roj roj aata hai picture dekhne, tere ko kya samajh mein aata hai?” My mother recognized my interest in movies and encouraged me to see a movie every day. My grandmother would tell her, “You are spoiling the child rotten,” but she was firm. She insisted going to the movies was an education.

I have watched ‘Pyaasa’ a million times — once for the poetry of the lyrics, once for the cinematography, and once to watch how Guru Dutt delivers dialogues. From the age of 11, I have been making notes, writing scenes, and enacting them. I remember telling Naseer Saab (Naseeruddin Shah) that I regret not going to drama school. He said, “You do not need to regret that. You are a sponge. You have been educating yourself since you were a child. Sitting at your potato shop, you have been observing people. I have seen how you observe people.”

I have learnt my technique through books and I have learnt my craft through people. We did not have internet those days. We did not have many resources at our disposal which I think worked to an advantage. When you have very little, you suck out the most from what you have as much as you can. When you have all the tools available, you do not know which ones to choose.

To be honest and hardworking is always very important. If I am giving a shot and the director says, “Great”, I should not leave it at that. If I know within me that the shot could be better, I must give another take. That’s ethics. What is your conscience saying about any situation you are in? Are you doing the right thing? Did I go home with the knowledge that this is the best shot I could have given? That is ethics. I am very happy that I am dissatisfied. There is a lot I have to do. I am working at it very hard. When parents lead productive lives, children are inspired to do so too.

Everything begins at home. If your child is being sloppy, rude, and arrogant at home, as a parent you need to get him in line. If you let it pass, later in life it will adversely affect his career and relationships. 

Gender equality begins at home. In my house, there is no gender bias at all. My son is a totally hands-on father. He changes diapers, and goes with his wife to the doctor to give the baby vaccination shots. Parents need to share responsibility. If the mother is taking up lessons in history and English, the father needs to teach math and science. Dumping everything on your wife is just not fair.

Kids nowadays are under a lot of parental pressure. When it comes to education, parents push their kids to score more marks. The child has scored 92% in math and the parent says, “92 se kya hota hai, math mein 96 lana chahiye.”

Not all kids will be good at math. If your child has scored 76% in math in the final exam that is the best they can do. Accept that. Parents tend to brag, “Pata hai mera beta class mein first aaya.” It boils down to ego. Focus on what the child is good at. Find out the child’s interests and strengths. What does the child have a flair for? Which subject interests him the most? Find out what he is brilliant at. Get over this obsession with scoring 96% in math. Ten years down the line you see people who did score 96% in math in professions not even remotely connected to math. Marks are not the yardstick of intelligence.

One parenting advice I’d like to give is — don’t scream at your kids. Children do not listen when parents scream. If you want to put your point across, do it at the right time and space. Wait for a quiet moment, look the child in the eye, and then convey your message. You must put your point across in a rational manner. Shouting does not help.

Excerpted from ‘Raising Stars: The Challenges and Joys of Being a Bollywood Parent’ by Rashmi Uchil with permission from Fingerprint! Publishing